u have reached e blog of yixian

2012-01-22T03:59:00.001+11:00

Man are just so simple to know. You just once again proved me right.

Guess im just unlucky in love.

2011-08-27T01:46:00.000+10:00

i hate to be saying this again.

but i cant seem to stop myself from missing you!

2011-05-24T02:43:00.001+10:00

不知道为什么~ 突然间好想念Jeff哦！

好希望可以走访武汉，他一定欢迎我吧？

2011-04-11T16:35:00.001+10:00

感情的事，我给我自己建议：耐心等候。行吗？最终会是乐观的吗？如果可~能~ 我想我会义无反顾吧。

我希望你对我而言，让时间证明结果吧。（会不会还是个幼稚的说法啊？）

说希望哦。而不是“我相信！”。猜... 这还不是个充满信心的呐喊吧。Guess there's undeniably some self-doubt contained.

你的想法呢？

2011-03-25T00:27:00.003+11:00

i did something unbelievable again for the second time.

haiz~ guess i'm getting more and more used to it now... it's just my luck. no, fate?

on a sidenote, i am having a nice friend getting married! that's one great news to hear about! it's at the same time a fantastic news but to me, it's a worrying sign for me... oh~ i'm always worried about me me me. yet i can do nothing thing thing~ :S

2011-03-23T10:14:00.000+11:00

今天是令我期待的一天！！ ;)

2011-03-08T02:25:00.001+11:00

almost 2 months and this site is almost beginning to be forgotten!!

but at least you still aren't.

2011-01-06T20:02:00.001+11:00

有人说：「男人是视觉的动物，女人是听觉的动物。」

2011-01-02T23:15:00.000+11:00

Amazingly, it seems that ever since i lack eye candies during certain period in time, i tend to fall ill easily?

I have been falling sick more often as far as i can recall. Or the more likely excuse is tt since i've been back?

2010-12-13T01:16:00.002+11:00

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."

i can totally feel that!

i don't mean many has hurt me in my life. let's just simply portray the idea like for example, i've been glad that yf and i can now communicate as per normally and casually. i have been thankful that i've still been blessed with a friend like him and i can now wish him well sincerely as well as wholeheartedly. that's really a good thing that i've managed to achieve!

so as this saying comes about, i had thought i am feeling so much for it! hahahaha!

2010-12-12T12:48:00.000+11:00

Until now, everytime it's a dream w/ you involve, it has to be some sort like a nightmare.

梦见你都会醒了很累，够了吧！

2010-11-30T12:02:00.001+11:00

还蛮想再去算命的。该找会和我一样迷烂信的猪朋狗友，一起去做一些阿嫂的事。hahahaha!

2010-11-27T00:22:00.007+11:00

i guess some of my hidden thoughts are finally found in this video hahaha.... watch this, especially from 7:05 time onwards ba...

for the while as i watch her defence, i felt like this had seemed to be exactly what i had felt b4! 我应该不是个爱无理取闹的人吧。更何况如果你不是个我care的人，我为何要在你身上无理取闹呢？

haiz... unfortunately ba... unfortunately things didn't end well haha. BUT! in some ways, i still do not regret for all that i've done. im even glad instead! for i had certainly done what i would have wanted to do, it just couldn't seem to straighten out that's all.

我有错我会愿意认，也摊出来肯认。可是如果另一方还是不认为也该担纲一点责任，那只有没办法。因为继续委屈下去，只有太不公平了。

i guess for the couple, it is lucky that 黄国伦老师manages to find a way out and (maybe...) understands her intentions. otherwise, they probably wouldn't blossom into marriage some more le!

it is unfortunate for things to end up that way. 每个人一生都在学习，怎么跟人相处，不管是家人，朋友或爱人。每个人一生都在学习如何相处。只是你要用什么方式去对付而已。

since one has no way, and the other also dont have a way. bad luck ba....

if the one concerned ever learnt about this, ... haiz.... it's ok la... probably still won't get into its head, just like the 黄国伦老师。没办法啦~

我还是在学着怎么去优雅地放下。虽然到现在还是不容易，因为深在我内心深处已经存在那点遗憾，但是到目前为止还应付得很好。就好像好朋友lijin形容地，如果有什么东西不如意，就当作是人生旅程中的一个教训，如果没办法放下，放不下或不愿意放下，只当作从来就没有过。

i will get there! at least at present, i have you for now. friends will guide me through. :):)

2010-11-13T13:41:00.002+11:00

i was troubled yesterday...

i wish i can talk to you.

2010-10-11T01:33:00.006+11:00

FINALLY!

i can really say i can leave this land of adventure peacefully.

i guess... sometimes, having a third party to interfere really isn't that bad.

in "this" case, if i had known this helps better, i should have done it long time ago. but like said, "IF" la...

我心中的心结终于解脱啦~ 不是解开哦。it’s indeed more of like 解脱！

kindaf like i've been making use of working hard to distract myself from the 'thinking too much' madness.

yesterday was my last day work at mamak. oh definitely gonna miss the stress-less yet tedious working style. nonetheless, 天下无不散之筵席嘛。

today i finally felt the sense of relief that i've long missed. in some sense, i can say that everything has finally came to some form of closure.

no more working. no more relying on working. 也算是完美的结局了。老天爷真是太厉害的编剧。

this is what i am next going to share in pieces while you can piece up the rest to make the entire story:

it's all dramatic no doubt. abit too dramatic until now, recalling it, just seems like i've really just woken up from a long long dream.

i finally really saw a much clearer picture of you now. i finally came to realise what kind of person you are now. all or any blame shall rest. conversely now, i actually sympathise more with you for you still have yet see it on yourself.

as a friend, i will still wish to care, still wish to be by you. amazingly, i dont feel the need anymore.

now more importantly!!! i am even more glad that my intuition has brought me thus far! i applaude for my 知觉！thank you for continuously leading me to where i'm at now. may have had regrets, but not always. this time, i'm glad the hitches eventually still made me proud of what i have done (for myself).

i also want to openly praise for my 直率。in some way, thankful that my bluntness has finally made some mark. i used to doubt its usefulness. now, it has indeed save me from something.

嗨！我真的快被我自己感动到哭了。

but i guess is more of because things turned out to be the better way, so i finally will be silenced. i guess if things had turned out in the totally different manner, i will also cry, continue to cry in despair.

i still cannot believe i heard this: "can you tell me, are you feeling that you can sleep better at night after abusing me and scolding me?", "do you dare to say that you will feel better after venting out on me?"

what?! what i had never imagined is that these thoughts exist?! so does he enjoys to be abused or thought i really enjoy to be abusive? 太恐怖了！

反正反正这一切终算有了终结。悉尼之旅终算有个美满的句号。

i can finally enjoy my graduation heartily!! :)

2010-10-04T10:38:00.004+11:00

work much, yet still can sleep too much = too much time. :S

hope my biological clock is not affected due to daylight savings. slept at 3am, yet once again woke up at 7am!! 晕死了~~ and biologically, before daylight savings, this was meant to be 6am instead! housemate says it has been a result of sleeping too much for past few days.

never been 'this healthy' during sch. now what to do for the rest of the day?!! especially it's off day today. maybe lunch out with roomie.

yeah stress (unneccesarily) again~~... plenty happened. i dont know what i'm doing. seriously dont know what i've been doing.

highly likely one conclusion: 太闲空了。

what adds on to it now: lappie vaio is as unstable as its owner. *faintz* it crashed many days ago. had to reformat it to save hassle. and then another few more days later, now its wireless doesn't seem to be working well. dumb owner dont know how to get it working again. so i cant access internet at home for the latest couple of days. inclusive of the after effects of reformating, no more movie watching softwares. no internet to re-download them these few days some more. so... no internet, no dramas to watch on com. ... ... ...

therefore, resorting in me... because of waking up early, dont know what to do for the rest of the day, decided to head back to school which is nearby to use free but sl~ow internet.

as a result, i also dont know if my sleep disruption is a causation of much sleeping or yeah.... like many says, too much thinking eh? but guess, all i can say is, on some days, i've either been sleeping too well. on others, i've either not been sleeping well or.... :S

despite all, if all these were to be perceived on a positive note: 我瘦了！！haven't seen the figure 55 since....!!

or... high level of working + substantial amount of sleeping = 可以变瘦?? not bad what... who says sleeping too much will turn into a pig? hahahah....

hmm... at least, can use that to make it a consolation to keep myself going for a bit more? that's not too bad as a part motivation before i go back? i think just a little bit more weight down and i'll be the same as when i first left sg for sydney 3 yrs ago?

hmm..... thinking further of it.... been 3 yrs. throughout these 3 yrs, 体重宛如心情那样，有胖过，有起有落。不过终究还是恢复原状的话，isn't that so-called "back to square 1"?

3 yrs le, xian is still back to square 1. isn't that what most wished for? 皆大欢喜?? hohoho....

2010-10-02T13:18:00.004+10:00

我最深爱的人伤我却是最深。偏偏常常把那些关爱错放在不对的人。
实在无法释怀我的有眼无珠。

as a result, i slept way back as early as 8pm! because it's just too tiring. tooo toooooo tiring. 想了，sibei sian。不想呢，又没事做。所以为了不想又不会没有事做，睡觉去！

on the other hand, it's oct!!

which means countdown starts! :):):)

so from now till then, 就一直睡吧。一直睡到梦醒了，然后一切都会恢复娴快乐的世界。因为娴现在真的很不喜欢我现在的梦境。to others, it still seems like heaven. but to xian, this heaven is just more like hell which totally brings down the image of my beautiful soul and kind heart.

2010-10-01T00:47:00.004+10:00

dad is still asking about mr. jeff and eugene.

*laughs* he's still rather concern of the nice people who's taken care of me.

that's heartwarming...

2010-09-30T21:55:00.002+10:00

too tired. too tired to narrate details. i will definitely cry while doing it.

at this stage, never mastered the skill of controlling my emotions well enough when talking it out so writing it all over again will repeat the process. so far, up to now, everytime i think about it again, EVERYTIME i will definitely cry again.

it's a fresh slab in my heart so i needed new recovery period. but i'll get there. when i go back, i hope i will not encounter this kind of things ever again.

but i'll definitely be fine. because thinking too much about it also makes me feel tired more easily. so i haven't lose sleep over it yet. in fact, it's the other way round. i sleep much better because it's just too tiring facing it. made me even more tired so that's good.

graduation's round the corner. i want to look my best before closure of Sydney's adventure. so i'll not let myself slip. if you know me well, you should have similar faith in me too, isn't it? :)

2010-09-28T17:49:00.005+10:00

i think i'm so pretty leh....

on some days, i feel i love myself so much, just like today. feeling good. :)

if i can hope everyday could just be like today....

hmmm no... maybe then life will be so boring already. 所谓, 无中生有吧。i am rather easy-go-lucky in many other things. so i guess there's definitely some things in life that is not easy. otherwise, life could be dull.

anyway, i've been feeling much better than few days ago. maybe it's really pms. because i really just had my period! and this time it's a pretty big matter. broke the messy record. but anyway, much came, quicker over too! MUST BE THE PERIOD LA! :P

2010-09-27T01:54:00.002+10:00

i think i know why i have been many difficult encounters with my emotions control.

1.

i guess is...

here, i have little things to look forward. life mainly is all about school and work only for now. luckily i have managed to have a job. otherwise, it'll be all only about school and school. so if u can imagine that, how lifeless i am here.

now, even before heading back home, there is already a family holiday trip to melecca in plan for december! i am so looking forward to it! which makes the whole boring life b4 official graduation seems more colourful now! now coming to think of it, the gloomy and seemingly sorrowful days are much less undesirable.

maybe if i could have exciting things to look forward to, i thought life could be much better.

nonetheless, things hasn't been that bad now. the significant happenings that has been sustaining me is various outings with my working colleagues. we've been closer and fortunately for me, i've often been remembered. although not always, yet luckily it's not always because there's always been plenty of gatherings and events, too many can be costly. :P so i've been satisfied with some and it's sufficient for me to keep my moods uplifted. :)

i guess is...

the approach of people from different backgrounds possibly really react differently.

i love it how pals in sg goes "Cannot say should. Yes or no. Dun hav mayb ah!" and "Those who say they are not going have to give an explanation. No 'Maybe' is allowed."

Maybe that's no wonder why i am often having hard times here. the approaches of people here are easily too vague and sometimes, can i say, insincere?

suppose i've had enough of people going "yes" even though when they mean "no"? or maybe i should think of it in the way that the people around me before this are more or less similar in character as me? yes means yes. no means no. direct. 不拐弯抹角。

so maybe i should think of this that i'm experiencing cultural shock? which explains the unexplainables of my bizarre behaviour. i guess, many times i'm in denial of the differences in behaviour. i probably expect people should live life 果断一点。yet i couldn't throw tantrums at them because at the same time, they probably couldn't expect nonsense to come from me. i rather maintain the image of a nice singapore girl. as a result, behind it all, i'm fighting the struggle with myself.

so i've always been pretty glad that whoever you are back at home are easier to get along with. or maybe there hasn't been much difficulty in the first place because we are just similar in this way. ;) love ya love ya love all of you! :):):)

2010-09-21T23:29:00.002+10:00

i'm buying more and more dresses, thinking it's machiam like getting ready for summer. plenty of pretty ones indeed. u know my eye-sucking taste~ ;)

but so many have still been intact, pricetag uncut, all because other than work, i've been staying obediently at home!

it's time to drag me out of home~~~

:-}

2010-09-20T04:49:00.002+10:00

after 3 years, perhaps i'm still the same.

the number of friends i get to gain still remains the same. perhaps it's just the amount of life experiences i have gained in one way or another has accumulated one more bucket full.

i guess ultimately, i'm still defeated by myself.

到头来，真诚的人最受伤，因为自私的人是没意识到那同一点的。

when i'm back, can i ask for a big hug? perhaps what i cannot overcome is: i am easily the one that turns out to be forgotten, because of many visible realistic flaws.

你们等着我好吗？我活着的半个原因是因为你们。如果连你们都不在我心里，我真的早就失去活着的意义了。

2010-09-06T17:47:00.003+10:00

i wish someone can know these songs and sing with me during ktv in future.

i think they're lovely duet with rather catchy melodies.

learn them! i wish someone could. :)

杨培安and刘虹翎's combination of the voices are so matching! like it! :):):)

2010-09-06T02:00:00.002+10:00

i just couldn't understand.

why the 'vegetarians' in australia claims they are vegetarian,

when they can still have food with shrimp paste content in it but not prawn?

when apparently they will like to have mee goreng with no prawn in it but as they wanted it spicy, hence sambal (with shrimp paste in it) is ok.

i have been puzzled. always been puzzled!

therefore is health consciousness deem as vegetarian in this case then?

i seriously couldn't get it man.... and they are really difficult in a strange manner that i'll rather classify them under fussy customers rather than vegetarian customers.

as attentive waitress, i will definitely take more note of any food item with 'meat'. but it'll then be bizarre that after that, i have to go get EXTRA sambal for them.

so are they vegetarian? or not!

i know in some vegetarian diet, egg is acceptable. but to be honest, i will rather not claim myself to be a pure vegetarian if i can still consume egg.

i dont know... alright~ i was just being critical here.

luckily i have been counting down to the number of days left before returning to where suits me more.

because i will have you all, who are to me, much more normal than the outside real world out there.

与其说是温室里的小花，不如解释是外面的世界有时有点太恶心了？

2010-09-04T03:57:00.006+10:00

after graduation... i will move on to pursue my recently found dream.

i will continue to live better so that whoever does not appreciate me, does not realise my potential charm will live to regret.

yes as a matter of fact, i have no control over others. therefore, i know no matter how good i strive to live better, if you do not care, you simply do not care.

perhaps subconsciously, i just wish that the least i can win over is the slightest regret (if you may have). if i manage to earn that slightest bit, i shall be contented enough and i will more likely call it quits.

otherwise, you have most probably made me the biggest failure by record. this is rather serious to me because i'm a leo girl. egoism and pride is her biggest hindrance to a better self.

however, no one's perfect isn't it? i am already "almost" perfect, i can't be 100% there. otherwise i wont be human anyway.

2010-08-16T23:10:00.001+10:00

我今早又发梦了。

真是晕死了。

（'''@_@)

2010-08-16T01:19:00.003+10:00

recently i kept having this urge.

"shall we talk?"

i dont know why these are coming back to me now. perhaps it's partly because i'll be leaving soon.

i do wish to clear some clouds. i believe i can follow to move on. however, i wish to be (in some way) educated from someone else's different perspective?

if he's indeed a bastard, i wish he admit to me privately how bastard this society could exist. so when i step out into working world in the next couple of months, i can gain to perceive many things from a bastardy point of view.

if i've indeed wronged him all the way, i dont know what i should do. i still refuse to choose to apologise because he still has done something wrong anyway.

at least, 我想解开心中的那个心结。不单是有点想，其实是还蛮想的！因为我不想心境变得扭曲了。我担心自己再这样下去，我对男生的态度会很容易越来越不友善。

so should we talk?

or is it that sometimes some things are indeed just better to be left unsaid?

2010-08-12T01:28:00.004+10:00

“I know i am going to get scolded for this.. but anyway... that night at the ktv.. its the first time i see u kept singing all sad and emotional songs.. its very nice... but eh.. if u are in a bad emotional state. i hope everything is getting better.”

was it that influential? sing slower songs cannot meh? slower songs easier to sing ma... no groove to sing fast songs when it's only a small group K-ing tgt what... ar bo i 1 people singing and dancing to the music meh?

never had i expected to receive such comments. sing the songs that i like also kena perceived as i emotional. so 到底应该怎么样sia?

that's why sometimes i really really dont know how to live life man... do what kena interpreted as the other. dont do what also kena interpreted in the wrong way..

真的啦！我不想活了啦。不只说什么做什么都无缘无故被误解得乱七八糟。连完全没在散发那种感觉都可以被感染到。你说啦。我是不是活得很不知道该怎么办？

honestly, this only occurs few days ago, and currently i have been well, good, calm, peaceful and... ya... also happy. so that's why, all the more this sudden comment surprises me.

so i am a good singer cannot ah? maybe 我就是有那么有感觉的声线 so what? next time i sing less seriously 好了吧.. next time just sing surficially will do le ba..

i am totally lost for words that i didn't respond back after that.

emoz~

2010-07-22T23:50:00.004+10:00

我，好累。

因为，你不在。

还以为，我可以想打电话，想煲电话粥就可以。

无奈现实，就是这样事逾人为。

也只能这样吧：继续咬紧牙关，再告诉自己“再多一个月！再多一个月！”

或许真的只能这样吧~

2010-07-18T22:08:00.005+10:00

bought this as a birthday treat for myself!! (because i dont really have the good fortune to be rather pampered like this here.) err... ok... is i dont WANT to be treated like this ok?

anyway, have been eyeing it for quite some time already... like since april? before i last went back sg. and still have been thinking about it now and then.

i first caught sight of it in another shop where they sell all kinds of 'branded' handbags, luggages and wallets. that kind of shop.

then when i came back here. i had decided to really buy it. however have been postponing it due to lack of committment to really shop!

then when everywhere is having some sort of massie shopping sales (i guess end-of-financial-year sale). i recalled that this could be a good chance!

so one day, i specially make it a point to go back to the same shop and was thinking that if this wallet is still around. i will get it! because it perhaps meant that i could be fated to have it.

but the second time i saw it. i thought the price had actually gone uP! was $56 when i first saw it. that was before may. second time was $59 instead?! after discounted? then i looked at the usual price. it stated $79! so i thought perhaps they must have intentionally marked up the usual price by alot and 'pretended' to give discount on it.

it was then that i was pretty much dampened by the slight deceiving tactic. then i started to doubt its genuinity especially because this colour which i liked the most is very unconvincing for a brand like this.

then today went window shopping around with a friend. happened to pass by a Guess shop where it sells only guess products. i decided to hop in and browse through other similar and perhaps equally attractive ones. was rather disappointed for a bit with their other designs because either it's too auntie or it's just too... not my style type design.

i was trying to describe to my friend the one that i really like, asking whether that kind could be a fake design carrying the name of the brand only or what.... until i spotted it on the shelf in a corner!

i was surprise to find it in a Guess only shop! then i couldnt leave my hands off it.

turned out it's even on 50% off! given that, it's now way below $59, or even $56 when that was the first pricing.

so..... eventually... this is minE!

well, have been already thinking to treat myself to a new wallet since i last decided to give it up due to $59. after 1 big round, it still comes back to me! so...i'm currently happy and satisfied with it! :):):)

$39.50. i think i caught a real good deal! *grins*

i guess i'm still not a totally brand person. but once in a long while, little treats for myself is pardonable right? after all, Guess is not too much of a BIG brand~ it's almost like Esprit can? + this month's a different month for me. pamper myself ba....

otherwise... some of my other wishlist includes:

- treat to pamper my hair a different colour again? (but gonna cost me min. $300 here just to colour is giving me put this to the very last option...)
- get a Coach poppy series handbag like these....? AUD$225? hmmm..... steepy but now rather... affordable when i can have some income? ohoh~ not a good sign to have a job~ :DAUD$225?

nice right?!

or...

- carebear series collection!! (actually had wanted sis to keep a watch out because i suddenly miss carebears! childhood days~) thinking that i can re-collect them and display them when i grad and go back and refurbish my room. hmmm....

considerably like the workmanship of the 3rd picture display the most! the 1st display looks fake because i've not seen those symbols before. however, exactly how many carebears is there in the collection? i have been trying to google it around but still couldn't find the exact number of bears in the whole collection. well... if you happen to see any cute carebearS in middle sizes range anywhere. please let me or my sis know~ heez.... still thinking whether to ask my sis to buy it as my bday present? muahahaha.. but STILL THINKING ok? because i still have some 'liang xin' left not to squeeze her kindness dry. muahahah~

other than that, just a simple but happy day on the 27th will do.

2010-07-14T23:28:00.010+10:00

为什么人生有时候会被这种事情否认的？

我是长得有多怎样吗？也或者我是有多怎样吗？

我没有非要动听的称赞，因为反正我也会不怎么相信，我只限制自己相信自己就好了。

我的样子就是这样，难道要怪生我的人吗？我的个性就是这样，又能怎样？"che!"

还有，谁规定女生不能豪爽？豪爽的女生又怎样？是自己弱吧。弱得应付不了这种女生，所以才出言袒护自己，伤害他人。还有，许多人不是说不喜欢虚伪的人吗？若有些超级无敌“漂亮”女生是有‘装出娇滴’的天份，那就不虚伪吗？还是那不叫虚伪，叫有魅力？豪爽的人也可以有不一样的魅力不是吗？我想，豪爽的人多半是因为心直口快，这才真正的不虚伪吧？很少人能抓得到心直口快的窍门的吧。这是模仿不来的直率吧。correct me anywhere if i'm wrong. 不能接受女生个性豪爽是你自己的问题，何必出言中伤呢？ loser~

(alright~ i'm a loser myself for being so low-classly critising others too. but i dare to admit i'm a loser，怎样？)

haiz~ 解释这种这么多干什么？

还有还有，关于我的样子还有我对男生而言，我是让你觉得真的那么舒服吗？还是我真的就是糟到你不吐不快一样？

第一者，我还以为我好像还没有跟你熟到莫种地步吧？如果是让你觉得我真的那么大方到你以为我们的情谊到了莫种境界到你敢开始公开在别人面前批评我，不留我台阶，我还真的惊讶我都不知道已经让你觉得那么“舒服”了哦~

若是后者的话，那我就没法控制到啦。因为我对这点无能为力。如果是真的糟到不行，我会认的。还会谢谢你的真心话咯~

不好意思啦。泼妇骂街了老半天，你应该搞不清楚整件事是什么状况。

今天有一个友人说了一句“一定是她不够attractive所以你才没有那么想去对吗？”

当众。。。。！你教我如何反应呢！当着当事者的面，在没有其他女生，有一点糟的是，还在就只有男生的面前，这样‘亏’我？还好是有一点糟而已，因为这些朋友，也就真的只是朋友而已。真的还好，不然我想我就喷火了吧？

当众我都不知道怎么反应咯！

结果，我回了“哎哟~~你都不会留我一点面子哦。呜呜~ 讲一些好听的话都不可以meh？haiz~ 如果面前有我喜欢的人怎么办？！哎哟你hor~” (oops... machiam auntie talking like that...)

心里却翻白眼~ :S

好啦。我自己也好不到哪里去啦。可是至少这次我还保险了自己一点点，说了“如果面前有我喜欢的人”instead of “还好你没有在有帅哥的面前这样讲我”。:P

不然我和他不就还是属于同一类的？phew~ heez....

that's why... maybe you cant blame me for not accepting compliments sometimes. i know i'm not any 超级大美女。yet i'm perhaps not as ugly as 如花 ba.... otherwise i wont be sometimes so "honestly commented" le ba... hahahaha... haiz~ 真是无奈~ i guess 我继续相信我自己的眼光比较好吧。其他人说的，真真假假，傻傻分不清楚吧。

2010-07-09T01:54:00.003+10:00

it's such a ridiculous statement.

today's conversation with daddy, he mentioned some things to me. but after almost 3 yrs, i think he still doesn't get it that he cant talk towards the monitor like it's gonna catch his voice so easily.
i caught he was saying stuff like "u really have to graduate successfully ah... otherwise this this this that that that..."

then he went on mumbling stuff like... "after you graduated, you can then come back to find a good and prospective job blah blah blah~"

我的重点来咯！then he still went on "when you come back, it's time to not only find a good promising job, you should also start looking for a good guy and have a boyfriend."

then mum started laughing because he ended up like mumbling to himself like an old grandmother like that.

for the last statement, it just so happen i cant catch what he said anymore. but my intuition has already hinted me. i had to force mum to repeat the last statement because she's so well entertained by my dad's kiddish-ness.

geez... as if my lifetime schedule has to be arranged and organised by him like that... go to pri sch, go to sec sch, go this, go uni, next now, go find a boyfriend liao.

as if i have not started this hunt since decades ago?

for the first time, i actually felt shy having heard this from him. although this is obviously not the first time he mentioned this, still...

i think i'm starting to feel stress soon~ because after studies, i obviously have no more studies burden. so my next mission is....

天啊~ 怎么办啊~ 开始感觉那种不同的stress了啦。

muahahaha!!!

2010-07-05T23:54:00.005+10:00

这个生日，我只求简单与快乐。真的。

我不知道为什么许多都要以为我就是喜欢奢华难忘的庆祝方式。可是没有你们，没有难能可贵的朋友，再好的，也就不过这样。

所以我真的真的可以什么都不要，只求那段期间，或是那整个星期，只要有人陪伴，那就真的已经足够了。

就好比我说我真的不稀罕什么生日蛋糕，我只要求我希望陪我一起渡过生日的都是我身边的亲爱的重视的友人，就真的真的很满足了。反正有个最漂亮的蛋糕，却没有快乐的人们，又有什么意义的。所以.... 真的就那么简单。
（又或许好像没那么简单哦？可是在我而言，我要人，与心，就是这样。物质的，一点都不重要。）

还好，up to now, 我还过得不错。约的朋友到目前都还没推掉我的邀约，所以都还蛮开心的。所以，感恩。:)

2010-07-04T00:42:00.003+10:00

when yesterday i was feeling so guilt-stricken and down, i think god must have created wonder to console me...

today when i went down to my workplace to collect my pay, one of my colleagues jumped over to the counter when she saw me and told me:

"hey yixian, do you still rmb some time last week, someone sang a song to you on that day?"

"oh yeah of course i rmb! how can i ever forget? that's totally bizarre la. but hey, were you working too at that time? how come you know?"

"that guy happened to be my friend! he said you are pretty."

"oh yeah! i think he sang that song something like pretty. how come you even know what was the song he sang? what kind of song was that "

"no la! he told me that he finds you pretty!"

"oh." (i heard her wrongly. :S)

then it took me another while to realise that... did she say he said he thinks i'm pretty?

yippee!!! who wouldn't feel elated hearing this?

now recalling this morning, still can't help smiling. i really didn't expect the singing was because of this. because i recalled how ridiculous i had thought to myself that a customer sang a song while i was clearing their empty plates. i still had to display a smile to 'try to entertain' before i could go into the kitchen with the cleared plates to roll my eyes. never did i expect he was really singing to me. muahahah! i thought he was 'siao'.

but nvm! i dont even rmb how he looks like anyway...

at least this made my day for today. *beams!*

2010-07-02T22:47:00.003+10:00

today i DID something really bad! :(

i wished i hadn't done so. But what's done been done. :(:(

it really sucks how anger poisons and clouds my ability to behave sensibly. and when irrationality acts on....

i'm sorry. i really wish i could say sorry after that.

but i guess i wont.

i've committed a sin (once again)! i mourn for my sin. :(:(:(:(

2010-07-01T02:56:00.006+10:00

Came across this: what a partner and being in a relationship is for you - An anchor. Says who do we need to be anchored down? It gives us a temporary feeling of "safe haven" but it leads us nowhere. So what you really need to do is get your "bearings" right, get used to this sudden found freedom, draw yourself a map and sail away from this depressing chapter of your life. Just like how you're a captain of your own ship, you're the one responsible for your own happiness.

Realising this, it suddenly seems to strike me!

To a lil further enlightenment, I suddenly feel that I'll decide to sail away from the depresing chapter of this period. Right! Perhaps I found the wrong map. Perhaps because my drawing was never good, I've always drew a messy one.

I'll continue to learn to redraw it! each time attempting to make it better.

I want to be the captain of my own ship. No one else can be responsible for my own happiness.

I want to sail away. I really want to sail away now. I hope i will eventually find a new route which is better.

I know the diversion will be a lonely journey until the next. But I wish to believe, I still have you all for support right?

I know it's not gonna be an easy journey. The least I hope for is a calm departure.

Lastly, hopefully the next stop will not be too far off, even if it's a temporary station.

Hmm... I also wish to greedily pray that hopefully the next map will be guided and no more drawn by myself?

2010-07-01T02:35:00.002+10:00

其他狮子座的女生到底是过着什么样的人生？

就是要过轰轰烈烈的生活吗？

如果我能只求平凡简单，或许会比较好一些吧。

2010-06-27T03:56:00.002+10:00

went walking around b4 work today...

and then realised that i haven't shopped for really quite some time! most of the time, i suppose is more of groceries shopping and only shopping for necessities, and perhaps living the life like an auntie or whatever.

i only realised how much i have really not shopped as in really shop when i get into the fitting room and realise how long haven i had such feeling!

i think i'm really gonna free up 1 day for myself now and really shop!

i also think that that sort of shopping satisfaction or fulfilment we girls get through this activity has greatly diminished since i'm here.

it could be... because everything here is much more ex so i better shut myself down to avoid burning my pocket.

it could be... because i'm trying to support my own personal expenses out of schooling stuff so basically... i 'understand' the life of a self-supportive person now.

it could be... because i double-overspent my hard-earned saving when i last went to perth, so i'm now working hard and trying to survive more simply to recover the deep loss. and i've still yet to see that positive figure on my bookkeeping record yet! so...

it could be... because i simply lack the mood to.

it could be... because you are not here with me.

2010-06-23T03:16:00.003+10:00

how do you feel if people do not return your missed call? or do not return your call when they said they will?

is that a matter of politeness/courtesy?

or is that a matter of promising what you deliver?

or is that just a matter of my problem?

cant believe i actually felt annoyed over it.

is something wrong with me?

do you think i have so much money to always call up ppl? really... what's the problem here?

2010-06-14T21:16:00.005+10:00

month long since the last update! think people must have thought my blog's been abandoned.

life's been ultimately booked out since back. perth trip 2 days after i reached back to sydney, which was totally a lifelong unforgettable experience! i think it is the best domestic travel ever: great company, warmest hospitality, breathtaking sightseeings.... and the list goes on.

then 2 friends came visiting sydney again like 4 days after i reached back sydney from perth! i was uninformed of the confirmed dates because we have been in discussion for ages and i had to be away from the internet most of the time in perth. it wasn't until when i got back comfortable in sydney home until i realised they've booked to arrive the same week after i came back from perth. i always thought they are arriving the following week where i will have 1 week to recuperate.

so it was non stop of busy-ness.

i still feel like i'm still in the first week of sch where it's going to the end-of-holiday mood and getting-ready-to-get-started mode, when my first assignment is to be due next week already. i have not even started familiarising myself with the assignment requirements!!!

it's really time to start really soon because i've also gotta work double diligently to recover my snowballed expenses for the past month. my hard-earned savings is now seriously negative. like $(xxx) on my record sheet. at least 3 digit!!! i say AT LEAST oh!!

nonetheless, all the fun is still worth it.

2010-05-10T12:34:00.003+10:00

the simple life is better.

but not the simplest life.

still enjoying the peaceful simplicity.

peace.....

2010-05-09T01:27:00.001+10:00

have been happy so far.

happy happy happy happy :)

but it's only day 2.

2010-05-07T20:24:00.003+10:00

it feels so good and comfortable to be back again!

even though the weather is obviously warmer for me, for once, i dont mind it at all.
until i got home and really start perspiring then it's not that great :S

gonna have a good rest. tmr's feast day! buffet for mother's day at home.

you shouldn't have reappear. or is this another challenge to overcome?

2010-05-04T19:34:00.004+10:00

3 more days! i'm so nervously excited! although i know the last we seen of each other was merely more than 3 months ago, this time i find this trip back truly a bonus for me showered by 'somebody unknown'. like i told wanzhen, it must be the power of their gift (my boarding pass) that god must have sympathise on me to grant me the privilege so that i can be back into the arms of my loves.

this sch term since i last left home, i've lost count of how many times my tears fell. everytime, i couldn't come up with a convincing reason why i'm so depress. however i strongly suppose it's partially due to a loss. i dont know if it's because i hate to admit defeat, or i dont know if it's the extreme intolerance of boredom, or others.

all i know is... throughout this period, my self esteem has been punctured. my confidence has been unknowingly trashed that i am beginning to have doubts about myself. the leo girl me is losing her in-born confidence that she's even wondering whether it has been the influence of the surroundings around her, or it's merely just the issue about herself.

all i can perhaps deduce is that, this must be some growing moments in which changes are occuring? helll....

please heal me when i'm back ok? dont shower me with just love. we shall have some deep true chats and please guide me back to the bright path of hope ok?

2010-04-26T02:43:00.003+10:00

it's been really great these days! e thought of going to be away from this sickening place is keeping me movin'! i simply cant wait!

u know how much i cant wait? just the thought of it makes me cry on my ferry rides! and yes, on bus trips and so on as well. man~ i must be insane! i think i will again tear on my flight back too. so i must keep my mind busy from thinking towards the sentimental side.

7 may! till then! so long!

2010-04-20T01:05:00.003+10:00

SIA having price cut due to iceland's volcanic activity! a news which i've yet to follow but amazingly, the news is still ongoing for days so it must be a major catastrophe.

hopes rekindled!

i mean, i do feel sorry and bad when it sounds like i have many high hopes about returning home during my last sch vacation and then it turned out perth became the result.

i never expected anything like this within 1 day. basically it probably all started with my mum updating me that currency rates have weakened and dropped these days, with my dad adding on that it's most likely due to the iceland disaster.

so as i was listening to dad's repeating reporting of the world of finance, or economics whatever... he also went on saying how his swiss trip has also been cancelled due to the incident, blah blah blah going on about how maybe the aviation business may also be affected globally...
(he and forever his business mind...)

so that lights a bulb that maybe i can go check it out to see if it's really true. as in if his prediction is true, then perhaps airlines now may be lowering their price to cope with the avalanching demands to fly?

indeed! the price reveal on the website like the prettiest amount i can imagine. suddenly i feel so excited like dont know what, for dont know why.

then i ended up having some sort of serious discussion with my parents that they are having a strong feeling that this time i am probably really keen about going home once more.

of course dad will always be glad to see me again. so that's not v rational. mum, being the rational financial controller do not think going home for less than 2 weeks is advised. so that's why i really want to hear mum's idea if she is really strongly against the idea. like in the end, she went "look girl, if you really want to come back, then do. dont worry about the money issue. money can always be earned again." (sounds like she's sick with my "too considerate" concerns)

for this kind of thing, they tend to now rmb that i'm over 21, and 'leave the decision all up to myself' and say let me do whatever i want. (-_-''')

guess this time, i'm 80% determine. i have even transferred bank funds to my paying card. otherwise, i probably would have already booked it. but it is probably also luckily that i've insufficient value for online payment, because i almost forgotten about my casual job!

damn! my current workplace system is too flexible until i forgot all about discussing it with my manager. obviously normally you have to give few weeks advance notice but i was almost about to email him requesting him to block me off next weeks for exams and then... as i was reviewing the week after... i realised that even after the exam week, i continue to notice him... "oh and i won't be around after that" when he probably will be expecting me to be more available after my exams?!

shit! guess i may havta discuss with him first before i confirm booking.

nonetheless, hopes are still high! i'm positive. because this time i'm like even more determined and looking forward to it that i seem to have totally overlooked my previous concerns for the gold coast trip. (how contradicting within the next 24 hours eh?)

so i guess if my manager gives the orange light after i talked with him. i'm gonna really go ahead even before it's green. hahaha! oops! gonna call him rather than email. faster. and i bet it should all be ok. because he's the nicest and one of the best managers i've met so far! :)

rar rar rar! i cant contain my excitement at the moment! also, if it din turn out well again in the end, then i must have wasted the entire time feeling so excited (for nothing). so partly for this reason too, seems like i kindaf definitely have to make it possible. oooo~ 不会太任性吧？

2010-04-17T02:34:00.008+10:00

submitted a major report today. phew! 1 more down!

din get to sleep much the whole night before. only finally manage to give myself up at 5am and lie on the sofa with my legs on the floor.

haha.. the point is because i'm in this uncomfortable position. i will be better able to wake up in the next hour to go to class to submit the assignment. class on friday at 8am. i dont really have a choice to miss it. so i cant sleep comfortably on bed after a certain late time. otherwise i've tried b4, i wont even know what i did to my alarm.

stayed back in sch after class and eventually din get to finally submit it until 12! :S abit behind my intended time. i mean i had wanted to complete it so i can submit during class time and go home straightaway after class ended at 10.

in the end, i finally see my bed at 2pm! immediately went to bed within 10 mins after reaching home! thought i had wanted to sleep all the way through until the next day. didn't even set any alarms. maybe even cant be bothered to bathe if i really were to sleep to the next day? needless to say feed myself too? what a great way to diet! :D

can't help it! still woke up at 10pm! what a time! :S so i will burn the night lights staying up the whole night again? it's really electricity-wasting being a night person.

---

i'm now in a (self-proclaim big) dilemma!

2 of my HK friends here are planning on a short trip to gold coast because they haven been there b4. they asked if im interested too.

of course i wont wanna go there for the nth times!

BUT!!!!

it's not because of the destination that turns me on, i've not been on a trip with them b4! this may be the last chance! hmmm....

they wont mind if i decide to go there but i stay in the hotel or have my own plans while they go to the themeparks. so basically if i decide to go gold coast (besides perth) this break, it's entirely just a totally relaxing period to spend.

big dilemma is because...

pros:
1. it's the company that tempts
2. it's the thought of relaxation at gold coast that tempts too.
3. i probably have a bit more savings currently. :S so got enough money to 'think' of wasting. bad~
4. i wont get to stay too much in sydney and at home where i will have nothing else to do other than working?
5. i can spend lesser and save more for future plans?

cons:
1. i may have lesser to spend for perth?
2. i may miss another wkend whereby i can go to work and earn abit more extras before i go perth and missing 2 entire wks? u know what i mean? instead of spending the time MONEY IN over the break, i spend the same time more MONEY OUT during the break.
3. if i go both places, i'll already miss A LOT of time at my workplace and people taking over much of my shifts. then isn't it the same as being away during most of my entire break? then when i return again, i may not get much shifts available?
4. i may get myself really exhausted? but this may be good? that way i wont have much energy left to think of the unnecessaries?

what should i do?!

what would you decide if you were me?

realistic or relationships?

sometimes i dont like being the me who's fully filled with feelings and emotions.

being someone with hunches, this will be an opportunity to tighten your bondings and relationships with friends. that's why it seems like an important element for me.

if i can be someone else with a more practical mind like my housemates, then it might be easier to live life if i wont give a damn saying no just because i've been there before already. u know i wont really care going to the same place hundreds of time if it is with different people everytime or whatever. so that's....
(ya, another obstacle is the hindrance of having to reject. i hate rejection unless it's really valid. people rmb to extend their invitation because you are someway somehow "something" to them. if not they wont... having to say no to them either just because of saving money issues or whatever... xian will feel really really bad man~!)

as closer friend of mine will know, or if u know me enough, u will know why i have this additional hindering option in my choice list. wth! hate it! :O

the bigger pros in this whole picture already says for itself: dont need to go gold coast again so i can save up this little bit more for... apart from perth plans, there's also future plans that friends are gonna visit again during my last term!

but.....

i think the most annoying part friends dislike about me is i have too many buts in my life. big butt and too many buts too. :D

haiz~ya~ what should i decide?

had i known this plan earlier, i wouldn't have even decide for perth in the first place maybe?

2010-04-14T21:50:00.009+10:00

thanks! your most thoughtful has arrived sydney!!

was again another unexpected surprise received!

always never fail to surprise me with little tricks like this.

thanks for brightening my sydney days.

for that, i promise to continue hanging on until the end.

我知道...

如果受了小小的风寒
我的心一直为你取暖
你知道我永远不离开
越过一片海
是你在的港湾
虽然难免失败偶尔孤单
努力接受眼前的挑战
那个渐渐懂事的女孩
依然怀抱天真的可爱
你知道我等着你回来

我也是一直靠这段话来撑过不好受的日子。

为了这一些，为了你们，我会坚强的！:)

thanks girls!

2010-04-13T01:57:00.002+10:00

for more than 2 years in my sydney life, it's the very first time i've encountered a late ferry departure!! for the first time! the ferry didn't even arrive at the wharf on time.

by the time the ferry was scheduled to leave for the city terminal, it was still scootering its way on the sea towards us.

that's a bit annoying~ provided that i have to head to work. it kindaf worries me that's why i got a lil annoying as i watched its tiny view still far far away.

and today's not my day again.

i dont know if it's another lack of sleep feeling. work today hasn't been to my satisfaction. i had butterfingers, bumped my head, always almost tripping over the chairs, looking dazed (both to customers and perhaps rather obviously to my workmates?)

ah! it's terrible!! luckily i still manage to avoid major mistakes. having butterfingers doesn't mean i broke bowls and plates. (so far i'm still record free in this area). my butterfingers applies to slipping cutleries into the rubbish bin when clearing leftovers on the plates. :P so crap~ ah whatever!!

2010-04-10T21:26:00.001+10:00

i'm sorry.

2010-04-10T15:17:00.004+10:00

i must be really productive today!!

昨天，吃饱了又吃，吃饱了去喝，喝饱了就睡

今天，睡饱了找吃，吃饱了想睡！

when will production start?

:S

2010-04-06T02:10:00.000+10:00

the good ones all been taken, the better ones stay single.

keeps me positive for a while. i like it! :)

2010-03-31T00:57:00.004+11:00

I don't deserve all these, I do not.

I don't know what I deserve in life,
But I definitely know,
I don't deserve being treated this way.

I ask for nothing in return;
Just take away those painful thoughts and feeling of mine.

Maybe it's time to admit, most days I feel so broken inside.
& I'm tired of crying myself to sleep everynight.

on the other note:
one of my friend, or rather she's called miko, asked me to join speed dating, organised by another friend of mine who's working at the company organising this event. :S

well, that's mainly more because that other friend of mine, or rather she's called jocelyn, lacks female participants. so far 2 females in the pool. so i'm remembered. :S:S

what a funny invitation. it's for real! the event's not fake. it's just whether i wanna seriously consider joining the fun.

the reason miko gave to encourage me to join: "gain some experience to see how speed dating is like lo..."

:S:S:S:S:S

if i'm really bored with working too much at mamak too, then i might really consider that then. but at this stage, i'm plainly satisfied with schooling, working and sleeping. that's all! i wish to stuff nothing else into my brain for now until i leave australia.

2010-03-17T20:54:00.004+11:00

这精神上的折腾是好....! 我真不知道我还能支持多久。最近还都少了火气了。is this normal for me?

哈! 少了火气我才发现也许我真的属火型的。although many fortune-telling commonly said fire is the element of my character, (obviously isn't it? leo's a fire element sign?) i didn't realise that until i'm running low of this recently?

is good in some way...? 可是也就是少了火气我觉得浑身不自在？:O

我真的。。。

don't know if it's the assignments.
don't know if it's the disappointment of my discipline to manage my time properly.
don't know if it's the lack of proper and quality rest.
don't know if it's working too much.
don't know if it's....

or even could be a combination of it all...

kylie said i've worked too much.

yet at the same time, i thought, isn't this better? 我也许就是太多精力待发，常常没有管道，所以才有这种‘多余’的精力用在发一些莫名的脾气。把这些异于常人的精力用在劳力上，不就恰到好处？现在这些精力最近用得过多了，甚至少剩到连火爆的脾气都没了，不是太好了吗？周围的人日子不是会好一点吗？

ok whatever....

it's just halfway through the second last term. yet how strongly i hope for it all to end really soon!

i guess sub-consciously, i'm expecting my exam timetable to be out soon, is because i've sub-consciously decided that i'm really deciding to determine when i can look at dates to book air tickets?

我真的不知道我哪里不对劲。我只觉得真的好困，好困哦！困as in it feels so much as if i'm trapped not troubled..

我真的好想好想大哭一场。也许大哭我真的会舒服一些，也许我心中真的窝藏着许多没有说出来的感慨。压抑得我真的快窒息了。

也许心中那些忧郁，那些怒气没有发泄的管道。如果能够至少把无法发泄的转换成眼泪，同样地从体内流逝出来。效果应该一样吧？

可是同样地还是没有发泄的管道不是吗？我没有一个点让我哭不是吗？所以我“想哭但是哭不出来~”

2010-03-16T14:26:00.002+11:00

my handphone is dying!!!!

i'm not yet prepared to get a new one yet! what's worse is i kept praying it can still last that i kept delaying to record all the contacts in the phone!

now when i needed the numbers to contact group project members and call my colleagues to maybe work for me. my phone has hung!

none of the buttons working now! shit!! i dont want to get a new one yet! i wanna get it only when i go back to sg after my graduation! sigh~ my hard earned income~~ last month i had to spend 200 repairing my spectacle lens. this month! i still cant get to see how i can save substantially! so sad la!!

2010-03-15T02:38:00.002+11:00

i have so many places i want to go to!

ashfield, strathsfield

to makan... shanghai food, indonesian food, sushi!, what xinjiang food and perhaps occasionally korean food.

so long is food.

but i'm just stuck at home and mamak. :S

2010-03-12T18:47:00.006+11:00

我现在很火大！（虽然我火气一直就是这么大）

被一个人放飞机也就算了，那人也许没有那么值得我那么在乎。

我为了你，推掉了其他人的活动。我是多么想去的。为了你，为了不要让你孤单，为了担心我虽然陪了你，可是之后如果离开去参与我之后的节目，你一个人回家会让我觉得有点愧疚，我一直拖到今早才终于舍弃更晚的节目。

老天真的很爱耍人！

你偏偏要在我say no了之后，偏偏就是今天！你却说你提早下班！说你不能等那么久直到我下班，所以就说不去了。

你的一句不去就不去，现在搞到我什么都没有啦！我的节目单上留下一大堆空白！能不怪我的火气用来填补这些空白吗？

本来想数“一二三”，吞下那一口气就算了，还可以想想找找其他人出来晃晃。

忘了今天才不过星期五，谁会在这种非时间得空啊？

所以火气压不住！抱歉！

然后刚刚又得知我推掉的那组人将会去我们本来打算一起去尝试的那家上海店。你说你说你说啦！因为你，我错过了去尝试美食的机会。因为你，我又再次错过了机会！！老天爷真的就是这么爱作弄人！

GRRRR!!!!!

你说你失恋了。我不会安慰你，所以我尝试用实际行动陪你，至少我知道这样你没有多余空间沉醉在不愉快的世界。我做这么样的朋友来扶持你。虽然最近又得知雨过天晴了，还不再是从你口中知道的，可是我什么都没说。

没事不代表就跟你取消我们的约定。虽然我后来有比这个更重要的邀约，可是我最终还是选择遵守我们的约定，选择了放弃去支持另一个朋友的比赛。

我还是选择了我提议了活动又不会因为其他更诱人的事情而抛弃你。现在你。。。。！！！

我也不想那么自讨苦吃。
如果我真的没有那么在乎你是我的朋友，我需要这么不爽？所以你真的不能怪我那么不爽！不然你告诉我我需要不爽你吗？
如果你不是我会在乎的一个珍贵的朋友，我也不会管你放不放我飞机啦。

我真的很不想跟你说话了。
我自己都很累了。

我的疲惫不知道为什么一直都好像补不完的。可是又有谁愿意做我那个可贵的朋友呢？现在还被你抛弃！

我以后再也不奢望你什么了。你再度失恋的话，不要再跑来我这哭啦！

FUCK MAN！

2010-03-08T00:50:00.003+11:00

i happen to come across such an article:

《把你想得坏的一点》

因为忘不了，所以我们宁愿把那个人想得坏一点。

愈是把他想得好，只会愈难受。那么，倒不如把他想成一个背信弃义的大坏蛋。

只要把他想得坏一点，便能释放自己一分。这么坏的人，不值得留恋，更不值得别人为他伤心。

老想着：我这么好，他这么坏，他是配不起我的。

甚至在无法成眠的夜里在电话里把他痛骂一顿，批评他是个自私的讨厌鬼。

可是，挂断电话之后，我并没有好过点。

我们努力把一个人想得坏一点，却又发现他没有那么坏，他其实是很好的。

为了让自己舍得，宁愿把一切涂黑，结果却在涂黑的时候看见了永远抹不掉的色彩，无论如何也舍不得。

纵然狠狠地说过去的年月是浪费青春，心里却拥抱着那段人生美丽岁月的回忆。

原来，把那个人想得那样坏，只会更舍不得他的好。想彻底去恨的时候，才发现自己那样不成器。

my oh my~ 感触特良多！

如果真的懂得该怎么做的话，日子或许早就好过了。

indeed, sometimes, i really doubt myself whether my acts or behaviours is acceptable?

是让自己好过一点，所以才会这样吗？这是自私的吗？

让他当冤大头是不公平的吗？我是该执意地做个自私鬼还是对他公平一点？

对他公平，相等于自我摧残自我折磨。这种善德，我将来可以得到好报吗？

rarrRRRR!!!!

2010-03-05T22:33:00.002+11:00

dad specially made an overseas call...

just to remind me to go book my air ticket back in may...

when i have not completely decide what i should do.

should i really go back?

rationally and practically, i shouldn't waste money.

if i am to really return, will you have time for me?

i need you, you and yes! that's you.

2010-03-05T01:06:00.007+11:00

how do i appear in front of you, my guys? i really wish to know.

i guess i'm starting to know why i've been feeling rather down these days. perhaps it's not exactly about HIM. i'm glad (for a while) it doesn't always have to be.

i'm not sure if i should 'declare' that i'm not happy. not happy because...

1. i felt you guys have been openly commenting about other pretty girls in front of me.
2. i felt you guys kept (i know it's jokingly) asking me to introduce some pretty friends of mine.
(ain't i pretty enough? what if i think i'm the prettiest? :O)
3. i felt you guys seem to neglect the part that i exist, and that i exist in a rather large mass that i even more dont understand why i appear even more non-existence from other petite, more demure and "pretty" girls.

to sum it up, i dont feel respected.

i know it's never meant to be serious in every aspects. i also know if it is meant to be thought positively, perhaps you guys are more comfortable with me than with other girls to discuss about eyeing at babes.
(right, i'm probably thinking of these in this positive manner more of self consoling myself. but the puzzling thing is, i dont suppose we are still that close enough yet eh?)

unfortunately, i tend to interpret it the OTHER way. negatively. yes. this sometimes upset me and brings me down.

sometimes, it makes me wonder. will things ever be different if i am more attractive? then in what way am i unattractive? do you know it seems to me that i'm that unappealing from the very beginning. this is really critical to me, because firstly, i'm a girl. looks matters more than to guys. secondly, i'm still passionate about the work industry i'm in which is rather advantageous to be appealing physically. lastly, i'm still in need of a boyfriend, whom 99% of normal guys out there must be out after looks first!

because i know i already dont naturally attract, and so these days i'm really concern about how i can improve my appeal.

everyday i wish tmr will be a better day. but whenever i see people unattracted to me, and there's nothing new in life to make me feel elated, i feel so sad! i feel very bad!

consequently, when i feel sad and bad, i get very vex.

ultimately, when i'm vex, everything that comes out from me isn't right.

*sigh* that's all my rantings! enough! i'm "shifting out of the world" for a while, so that i dont continue to stay sane and feel so dissatisfied with the reality. gd night!

2010-02-28T22:03:00.001+11:00

should i go home in may?

the urge has been really strong on some days.

alright.... i declare... some of the days, i'm probably homesick (now).

2010-02-24T01:01:00.004+11:00

i went into a lamp post today. that's how tired i am. it was on my way home. luckily it's midnight.

i started to become hyper that i skipped, hopped and jumped around the road on my way home. that's how tired i am. and then i almost went into the lamp post for the second time. that's really nonsense! i suppose if someone were to spot me at their window, they might thought there's a lunatic walking alone hyperly! either that'll be creepy or insane.

2010-02-22T23:36:00.003+11:00

happy new year to all hometown friends! if you're still enjoying the days of get-togethers and gambling fun, i am still envying you.

my first ever chinese new year abroad has been really different and it was a good experience for me. perhaps being 'cheena', i realise how highly i regard my chinese new year.

nonetheless, i dont just sit down and kick a fuss grumbling. my new year period spent had been 'fruitfully' busy for the last week. well of course is fully occupying myself with work. ha! school sounds secondary to me. happily or not, i spent 5 days working. ha! sounds almost like a full timer worker and part time student. i earned myself close to $500 during the past week! (i shall take that as my sydney angbao hohoho~)

besides that i also had a great wed night hanging out at karaoke! right, that's xian's favourite haunt as always. after that wed night which i hung out till really late and not forgetting i still have an 8am class the next day, i have not been able to catch up with the lost sleep because i had a full day shift on that thursday. Friday, i was (not really tempted but accused) to go out and hang out again, which i had really intended to make use of the day to recuperate quickly because i will be doing a really long shift till midnight on sat. Sunday's another full day.

So after that wed night, i practically had no spare time and the time when i reached home was so precious that i went to sleep immediately after bathing because i need to wake up early for couple consecutive days. it's the first time i didn't get to see one of my housemate for 2 days even though we're living under the same roof.

luckily next week, i decided to give up some of the shifts to others who asked for extras. even though that means lesser incomes in this new week. but i guess, i am more looking forward to getting rest and beginning to catch up my schoolwork.

alright! i'm off to sleep now! i had another long day at the beach with my working colleagues. even though i only had 1 simple class in the morning and a rare off day because the shop's closed for a day for renovation. i still have to face them for another day nonetheless! like i haven had enough of them like that! hahahah! but still, i had a really fun beach day and hangout.

i need to cherish my rest now. i missed another day of revision and study! i decided to give up opening the books at night now because i'm mentally truly exhausted now! have a good quality rest and get back to studies from tmr onwards!

2010-02-17T02:08:00.002+11:00

everyday i have quite a bit to update!

however... currently i lack the time and concentration. so i'm letting you guys miss a lot about my current stories.

as usual, work is always a happier place to be at. this week will be an even busier week as is cny week and most of the frontline staff are still in malaysia and others who have family and relative in australia requested for more time off.

5 days for me this week!! i gave the mgr my available timeslots after my new class times came out and for this week roster, he really filled me up for every available shift i provided. what's more exciting this time is i get to do the saturday night shift, which is what i've been waiting for!!

friday and saturday nights are always opened up to late night 2am. though i'm rostered until 12am only, what else can i say? it's already much anticipated to try out the supper shifts! although it means possibly facing many drunkards and possible drama in sydney city on saturday nights. but i am in fact looking forward to catch any dramas. crazy right? cos my life hasn't been exciting enough as i wish what~ :D

oh! and *hush* dont let daddy knows it also means going home late at night and alone! :O i'm not afraid! well at least not at the moment. i should say more excited ba... :O

this ultimately full schedule of mine was supposedly to be the same for the next 2 weeks. luckily when the final roster is sent, i dont have to do the second week's saturday night. otherwise, working from 11.30am -12am on saturday and another full day (until 10.30pm) on sunday for 2 consecutive weeks, seems abit too much to handle.

anyway! how's everyone's cny celebration? i hope it will a joyous one. dont forget, don't be discontented, don't complain that cny is boring~ cause whenever you think so, try thinking about me and then you may realise you are not so bad.

i'm not now saying that mine was bad. LUCKILY i made it passed by simply and still rather satisfactory. no big one like my family is still enjoying. i haven't caught a single soul online for few days, so keep hanging out with friends with a simple dinner or something like that at least makes my nights busy besides work and school. so although tired, but still quite happy.

i even purposely wore a red top on that day 1 on sunday. of course i din wear until like i'm going to 'bai nian' because i'm just heading out to work. but wearing red.. is nothing what... and when i webcammed with my family, they were rather elated to see me specially in red. hahah! they even got ah ma to see me specially wearing in red. well, i got everyone over on the other side happy, which makes that night's interaction light-hearted.

so make sure you have a good one and i look forward to seeing beautiful photos to entertain me oh~ i have mine and i will share soon. tonight's too tired so i'm signing off now. night!

2010-02-10T02:42:00.004+11:00

i'm again contemplating about considering to buy a mini notebook~

*sigh*

should i?

the idea is rekindled because currently, the lecturers for 2 of my 4 subjects encourage us to bring laptop to class for group projects purposes. argh~ it's such a strong urge to consume 'legally'!

ha! the urge is though strong, now i'm testing my accounting or bookkeeping skills on whether i have sufficient without touching a single cent of my parents' allowance for me. hahaha... i'm calculating figures and figures on a rough paper that only i understand those figures only all over the paper.

*sigh* i will have just right and if i were to go ahead, my savings will drop to nearly zero and my savings for holidays will have to reset from scratch.

obviously, advice from more rational roommate cindy is ...

2010-02-08T22:29:00.004+11:00

i have not updated for lightyears and am so sorry about it.

many a times i will like to release some of my thoughts but some of them tend to be really negative that i didn't want to brood over it because i've upset myself too much over it. so i suppressed the negativities by occupying myself with xiao S's and kang yong's nonsense.

yes, partly due to homesickness i guess. alright, i probably havta admit alil now. i dont know why. the feeling is just becoming stronger and stronger as the thought of graduation gets closer.

as i've said before:

1st year - everything's new. you tend to forget to miss because u're busy exploring.

2nd year - you are realising whether you are suitable as the envt u're in is starting to settle down and things are not as exciting as before. that's when you either begin to miss and continue to forget to miss.

3rd year - in my case, i realise this is not the place for me. in fact, it hasn't been from the beginning. because my life's not here. my life's my family, my big family, my friends, my girls and the list goes on... and especially when some things are dying down and other unwanted things that can bring me down are building up, i am starting to exclaim it's becoming torturous. and this description is blowing up gradually like a balloon.

anyway, one of the days after my work, i think my female hormones are pretty strong on that day. i suddenly felt really really bad and disgusted about the world i'm in.

i had many random thoughts.

....

alright, i've actually typed out like few days load of questions and doubts... but... in the end i decided to highlight the whole lot and chose to use the delete button on the keypad.

i guess i ain't like years ago where i will voice all my thoughts out now. ya~ i've more things up on my mind than before and i'm gradually keeping mum about it.

i guess i'll die to chat it out when i go back after few months.

hint: virgin series 2

i dont know. guess i'm slowly evolving to be another person.

being even more straightforward even more blunt and being more 洒脱 isn't a sin right? i dont have to apologise everytime for doing so right? 洒脱，我能做得到吧？应该要这样吗？ i dont know you know? i think my temper's even shorter nowadays. my mood's even more unpredictable. my mentality seems to be beginning to switch to being more nonchalant. what's with it? or is it just me? or is it just me being here?

2010-01-20T22:58:00.005+11:00

我今天简直像是中邪了还是什么的。

i got an eye infection suddenly this morning. i was watching youtube throughout the morning while waiting for the time later the day to go work when for a while, i felt something different in my eye. i have a feeling it's like swelling up.

i can expect if i check on the mirror, i'm gonna see a red-eye. well of course expectedly there was. but not just that. i saw that as i blinked my eye, the iris part seems to be like very soft as if it's melting. i kept blinking to see if i can tell what that may indicate. the iris's just really very soft like i can probably peel off a layer of membrane off from the eye like that.

i knew sore eye has never been a big issue to me as it's rather norm that i have red eye sometimes. but this time, i dont know what struck me. perhaps i had just heard from mum on my departure day at the airport that a friend's son of hers (whom i also knew) is now visibly handicap due to eye infection. it's like i heard about this story just last week (at the airport)? so when i saw myself with a red eye, and it's like within few minutes which i last remember the experience, i suddenly got a lil panicky.

had already planned to head out to the bank to settle some money matters later the day before work. but then i just decided to stop slacking around, changed and head quickly down to the clinic.

i dont know why but this got me really nervous. never had i felt this way towards sore eyes. and then suddenly my mood came crashing down again after it started to pick up after several days of work.

yeah i was rather down when i left for sydney again. i was reluctant to leave. i had regretted booking the flight earlier. yet when i was around, i had many urges to quickly get out of the messes (house renovation mess, communication mess, friendship mess, family... etc).

i am at a loss in my mind at what i want, what i can have, and what i can do. i was so vexed. i was having problems with dad for a while.

when i arrived back. i didn't even find anyone immediately. i just thought i needed some time in peace for a while. i spend the first few days entirely in the quiet house, sleeping whenever i felt tired and entertaining myself in the youtube world. i kept hoping those sorrows will eventually be like a dream after one of those sleeps. i know i'm escaping from problems, which is extremely cowardly.

i will move out of the nutshell when i feel better.

after the first day back to work, i did felt lighter. i kept thinking that it's back about time that i should blog and blog about happier things. like say i am going on well. yet, i also didn't want you guys to think that i seem to be happier over here away from you guys because this is so not true. i'm happier here because my movement's more carefree. i'm not truly enjoying the life here actually, because i am so many miles away from all your love and concern.

after couple more days of work after, i am gradually beginning to forget about the downs. life's moving on again.

then today, the whole infection scare can be said to really frighten me. u know i dont get frighten easily. i'm not a big chicken. but the past gloomy memories brought me down just so easily (and quickly), on top of this helpless contamination.

many things came across my mind as i was on my way to the doctor.

i dont usually go to the doctors. firstly because i dislike spending those kind of money on professionals that seems to easily say things i can also expect to hear. but the thought that i was alone here, what if i go blind suddenly the next day i woke up? i could be completely at a loss. the thought that i dont know who to look for in case of emergency makes me suddenly feel so vulnerable. everytime i wanted to call mummy and/or my girls, the thought of overseas call charges over the unnecessarism prevents me from considering the option further.

then i thought of when i am here, i dont have anyone in particular that i can turn to immediately. when i am happy, or when i am sad.

then i kept thinking of many other stuff as well and then the previous unhappiness flowed back.

and then suddenly, tears started rolling out from my shades, in the public bus stop! it was so embarassing! i was listening to my ipod then. i thought probably the melody of the music is not suitable, so i had to remove myself from the music. without music, i got even more alone! and then i got even more upset! and still i could not only seem to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, i couldnt control the flow of it! what was i crying to? what am i crying about?

it felt as though i suddenly develop homesickness (which i might still hate to admit). i did wish either i was back in sg or i wish i had someone closer with me at the time. then i thought that i actually had had enough savings for a plane ticket. i had the thought at that time to want to sponsor my sister to get here asap to hang out with me for these several weeks. forget about saving for all those travels and shit. but practically, that'll be a really impulsive expenditure and i thought of it in another way again, "what am i here for? to challenge myself to be independent isn't it? 一点小挫折就要天有天为免太受宠了？"

at that time, i also thought of shutting myself up to calm down in dreamland. probably that's also the next best solution to recuperate the eye infection. but i didn't have the next feeling that i can fall asleep in the bright daylight. i dont feel tired at all at that time.

i was in such a stressing struggle that heck! 我不再管什么三七二十一地打给了一个朋友。一个我管他想不想理我的那位朋友。though the call was connected, i couldn't speak! my heart was so crumpled up in tears that i totally couldn't speak. i struggled to try to bring across the message to try to talk happy things to distract me. but it was in vain as the person dont know what the hell i was wanting to convey and what's going on.

today just suddenly felt as though my mental state came crashing all over the place like an earthquake.

i felt much calmer after i went to the bank and got some serious matters to indeed distract me. ha! u know even looking at the waves by the beach does not help at all! in fact it worsen matters when u're down and alone! so dont go to the beach and hope the waves will wash away your sorrows when u're down, especially when u're alone.

anyway, i'm recovering from the infection. i hope it doesn't comes back tmr. i din get to the doctor eventually because i went in the morning and i only can get a 6pm appt. by 6pm, i see it's not as scary and thought i can perhaps self-recover like i always do. for the whole day i just use kangxi to keep filling me with occasional laughters. i even refrained from chasing the drama for few days for now. i just keep hoping to get distracted.

i hope this term is not too hard to go by.

i'm also seriously still considering on whether to return home again during my may holiday. though as of last year, my stand is still to make use of my really last holiday to continue travelling around. yet i guess i'm more and more prone to wanting and needing you guys to make me more complete, which will be better? play or relationships?

2009-12-12T22:28:00.002+11:00

(laughs)

family category on my msn has nil contacts online.

because all of them are away to attend one of my cousin's 21st at the preview lounge in cineleisure. *envies* how i wish i could attend too. it's gonna be such a fun event.

2009-12-12T19:49:00.005+11:00

this is the first time ever i have such a strong sense that i'm gonna fail and retake a subject! i dont mind having to retake it. it's just that extra round of fee that i felt i will be letting daddy down although i know he will not genuinely blame me for it. i never felt so paranoid since studying here but this time.. today... i got so paranoid that i called back home to tell them the about-to-be-bad news just so they are as prepared as me. ha mum couldn't quite calm me down because i just couldn't because so many things flashed through my mind after that horrific paper such as not being able to graduate on time next year, which follows to possibly having to miss the grad ceremony in october next year smoothly after my last term in sept, the re-application of my expiring oct 2010 visa if all these really happen just because i fail a dumbass SM which i really got SM-ed! and then a delay of whole full shit year to receive my grad cert just because graduation happens only once every year!! i really cant imagine all these to happen! so uptight until mum had to calm me down and said she will pray for me at a guan yin temple tmr. oh why din i think have that?! now i really need a temple to pray! although i know fate has been fixed. really~ this time i think i'm really going all way to be as superstitious as i can to be able to pull through! i really dont want to stay here any longer than should be!!! say i'm thinking too much again. but there's this phrase: trust a women's instinct! *sobX* you know i've never complained about not being able to cope with studies so far. i have been a confident student even though i may be struggling at some times but i knew i'll at least pull through the 50-mark. that's the bottomline and of course, as a good student, so far it hasn't been that bad after all but this time!! i really dont want a black mark on my transcript! it's gonna contaminate disgustingly my other results! it's already fairly plain with few drops of reds but a black will simply smudge all the previous efforts i've made! i know this is all cramped in a large chunk of rantings but i'm just in no better mood to bother to organise my thoughts. my mind's in the same mess as it is. i'm just so worried. though i wouldn't be too disappointed because i've really done my best by enduring to hang on until the whole 2 hours, that's the maximum effort i'm allowed to give in that shit examination. to make it sound better, i had had long wanted to give up completing as much as i can of the paper and leave the hall way before the 2 hours because i long knew i wouldn't be able to complete it ANYWAY. yet i didn't want to let myself or others down that i even gave up the little 10% chance if i were to really stop trying until 2 hours is up. do you know it is only this thought of keeping liability to the minimum that kept me on the chair for the entire 2 hours? i was panicking so much that i was so on the verge of crying because i know the 2 whole hours that i stayed probably wouldn't even have helped. although at least now i can loudly say that at least i've stretched my best effort to the last min, it still couldn't convinced me that i could still fail the entire subject over just a single exam paper and even though i attained a distinction for the assignment in the subject! i can't bear to even think of this slip! even though i may possibly scrap through 50-mark overall as it should be, unfortunately the system for the final year study isn't so.

to everyone! i didn't realise that praying is ever a thing for me. but if you saw this, can you please pray HARD for me using your most effective way! i really need it this time! i can't bear to think of paying another few thousands dollars to have to retake the same dreadful subject next term. if that really is my fate, i will take it because re-doing it is my problem. but if this has to consequently means spending another few hundreds of dollars to extending my student visa just because i had to stay on another term next year to finish end of year and an entirely whole year spent waiting to only be able to receive the cert qualification in another 10 odd months in oct 2011! can you realise the amount of resource and time wasted! it's so so unworth! i will be such a letdown! so please empathise with me and this time round i really need a lot of your prayers! and please dont forget to leave your name down if you will help to pray for me so in future i can gratefully repay you in some ways if all combined prayed forces helps. wohooooOO!! i'm really done for!

2009-12-10T20:39:00.004+11:00

我是忍者！对吗？

i really wonder how much more i can hold on! it's getting onto me again! what's worse is i still have a paper to deal tmr! will i survive tonight?

i so wish i can opt for escapism once more but this is just one of the unfavourable decision during this period. sacrificing my results will be so unworthy.

argh! 我是忍者！i can fight it!! aja aja!!

2009-12-09T14:21:00.005+11:00

都几岁了。daddy still can induce me to study hard for my finals by telling me that if i score well, he will treat me to (my favourite) peking duck and roast suckling pig. and if i don't, i have to treat them peking duck instead.

(-_-''') he was implying either way i'll still get to have it. it's only whether i can have a bigger treat or i treat them back.

都几岁了！i can't believe such promises can still work for me.. currently, low motivation means low motivation ma! even the most handsome person won't be able to inspire me to progress on my revision better. what can i do about it ma~ :O

so in order to begin optimum speed progress, today i decide to head to school, grab a company and work on revision tgt. hopefully that works better and more effectively.

probably few days in pyjamas is really starting to make me rust in my room. so i need to get out in nice clothings, absorb better oxygen and few dosage of vitamin Ds to perhaps function better for the final lapse.

oosh! wish me luck!! tmr's finally the start of the first paper! once it's started, time will pass fast because it's one after another. the more dreadful part is having to wait for the race to get started.

2009-12-07T20:11:00.003+11:00

how is everybody? i have been well thank you.

few more days until i'm back home once again. though more than 10 days still, it's less than 2 weeks le.

lots of mixed feelings.

mixed because i'll miss my comfy room for about a month, i can get to see those i dearly miss, my days will once again be able to feel on top of the world for the break again.

你们知道吗？虽然我一直没说，虽然你们一直会认为我在这里过得逍遥自在，虽然这里的生活好像多姿多彩，可是我一直都有在惦记着你们。我越来越想念那才是属于我的生活。这里从来就没有属于我想要的生活。因为没有你们，我的家人，我的朋友，没有这些成分的人生，我真不知道其他人是怎么过的？但我常常就会过得不是很开心。

alright~ it's gonna be another pessimistic entry. i probably should just stop here.

你们等我回去好吗？你们还在对吗？我同样也害怕我回去的时候，其实已经有一大半的你们已不在了。that's why i said i've mixed feelings because my greatest fear at the moment is the sense of loss. i am having feelings of loss, so please do not let me feel that once more. i'll probably break down. i'm just hanging on whilst convincing myself that i'm just sensing inaccurately. 你们还是在的对吗？

2009-12-03T01:58:00.013+11:00

that's my dinner takeaway from the malaysian restaurant today.

it's nasi lemak man! although with kangkung belacan, still... it's much missed! with sambal~! nothing could not taste bad with that. :O

also, did a perm today. yea.. was pretty random because my ex-room mate cindy, who switched to study hairdressing, had a practical assessment which needed model (or rather guinea pigs). hahaha..

alright i'm tired after work so let the photos speak for itself. (and in fact you might prefer it this way too right instead of loh-soh xian sharing endlessly eh?)

had been really struggling between rebonding and perming. rebonding will really save me a lot of money because it's gonna be free. however i'm still rather tempted with curls again. in the end... tada!

i must say this is the best perm i had had so far. truly satisfied with the current state that i fear it wouldn't last too long before the curls will be straighter few days later. hahaha..

ho! i'm dead tired! gd night! i still need do revision tmr (i hope).

2009-11-28T23:54:00.007+11:00

the past days had been totally cool!

since the end of all assignments due for the entire term and this year, it's just another side of the world for xian.

27/11 Asian Food Market event on campus

it was a friday. by the way, i had no class on fridays. however specially eager although i was merely 'the guest' there instead of helping out. i'm over with remaining enthusiastic about being part of events now. anyway, it's my final year cum last couple of months in the school.

however, i still had wanna take part 'as a guest only' partially because some of my friends are involved in the food preparation and stuff. and another reason is i wanna show my support to jocelyn, my friend cum the president of the asian student association (ASA). so several reasons which makes me really wish to go for it. (although i worry at the beginning that i may be the only person who is excited for jocelyn)

luckily in the end, kylie and ashley was keen on joining me up the hill for an over-rated food bizarre in the college. obviously ticket priced at $10 is not gonna fill me up satisfactory but it was the atmosphere in the school with some of the mates that you know of that fills up the gap.

kylie and ashley at ICMS food market. :)

a good friend of xian. duc from vietnam! :) i suppose i have introduced n-th times.

at the vietnam and india booth.

thailand and indonesia booth.

china and hongkong booth.

obviously u know what booth this is. the girls are pretty eh?!

at the korean booth.

the korean students cooking kimchi seafood pancake.

some games during the events. prize: a small pack of chips. :S

everybody just love japan, the japanese and everything japanese. *pouts* which is why i precisely ain't too into japan anyhow anyway. :P

after that, went down to manly and had some ice cream at a cafe. you may thought: "wah so happening ah!" however, throughout i say...60% of the time, we didn't have much to talk about. in fact, you may have thought that i kept hanging out with my girls. but some of the times, the moments together was merely all too casual. we may be close but we may ain't too close. so i do feel awkward sometimes because we ain't too chatty when together anyway. hahahah... haiz~

hung out further at the weekend food market also down at manly. not sure if you can really tell from the photos but just either imagine that or otherwise dont bother la. hahaha....

after that, i knew what's coming up next.

"so we are heading home next right?", i said.

"i'm tired." was majority's response.

ok i know everyone has different body system. however, i just feel incomplete when i was in a pretty hyper mode yet the rest were just keen about heading back into their nest.

i'm not complaining at this stage. i totally understand their state and am pretty use to it already anyway. but i thought i may not have to follow them.

well hahaha... they knew me too. they knew i was hinting heading home is definitely not my next option. they can tell after the period of time we've known each other. they can tell when my facial expression shows "I AM NOT GOING HOME!" hahaha....

then miko told me that duc (the guy) is also not keen on heading home yet at such time. SEE!! who's keen when you feel so in a mood for partying or hanging out more after a great event with friends?

so she suggested that i can consider to see what we 2 might wanna do if we still don't wanna go back home. well, even before she said so, i am already brainstorming (REAL HARD) on what we can do if it's just left the 2 of us.

duc drove us girls home first for the others to settle back home while i went back to grab my passport because we decided to head out to the city and then find out our program for the night.

upon learning that we are staying out regardless of the others, miko got tempted too and suddenly 'does not feel tired' anymore. hahahahah!

earlier, when we're about to leave the food market event in sch and head down to manly for ice cream because cindy and i crave for some ice creams after a small feast of those little food (obviously because i wasn't that full yet), we asked miko, who's busy in the kitchen as a helping chef, to join us down at manly. she said "maybe no la.. i feel tired after a whole day busy in the kitchen."

then now duc and i were heading for more fun, she seems to forgot "she's tired~". hahahahh!

so 3 of us went down to the buzzy city on a friday night despite knowing most of the places like club, pub bar or karaoke will either be packed (with drunks) or overly-priced (at karaoke). nonsense~ just don't wanna go home ma!

found (china) cindy out. she too had wanna hung out earlier but she 'got flown' by her friends, so she ended up staying home as well. that's why she was so pleasant to hear from us, of course couldn't resist not coming out. hahahaha! yzanne's hyper power!

so ya! we ended up spending minimum hours in the karaoke and had supper after that.

though was simple. but main point is, dont stay home is the top on duc and my list. hahahaha... he even went all out to suggesting we hang out by the beach near his place because we were really short of reasonable places we can waste time. :O (doesn't sound gd to say waste time) however the idea was obviously irrational to the others as the way home after that was rather out-of-the-way due to the late hours and inaccessibility of his place.

anyway! was really good! haven't had such a great time in a long while! no matter what the activity was, so long as the mood's right and the company's cool. it'll last me with ample energy for a period of time. :D

28/11 day to beach!

was really really good weather! made a trip to the beach near my place (FINALLY!)

obviously because of the invitation by china cindy because she'll be re-visiting manly with a friend. so the long-awaiting company for half a day by the beach under the basking sun.

hahah... it's really 'eye-soothing' to see a packed beach on such a great weather. it's really been a while since winter. now it finally spells summer!

cindy found this mini abalone in the water while i was sun-tanning under the australia sun. hahahaha... i miss gold coast! anyway... she claimed it was probably an abalone. i thought so too because it really does look like one and goodness me! it's still moving on the seashell!

the mini abalone eventually went back to nature after we've had enough of curiousity on it.

in conclusion, happy happy dayS! :) 挺久没有那么自在地“充实”了。though i had to head to work on a friday evening. nonetheless, half a day with a great company is more than sufficient for xian here le. i simply couldn't ask for more. :)

2009-11-23T22:22:00.004+11:00

have i mentioned that the malaysian restaurant i was working at, i happen to realise that one of my colleagues looks a bit like soon wee soon! hohoho~ eh... actually not quite look like la... but is the kind of intangible feeling he gives.

it's a little weird to feel that way but i didn't actually realise until we started working. the way he walk, the way he behaves, and his 'gim' hairstyle, kindaf resembles the old weesoon in the past. hohoHO~

hmm.... i should say that kind of 感觉ba... kindaf creepy... always gives me goosebumps but so far's been so good... he's a fun person to work with too. :)

2009-11-20T00:38:00.008+11:00

到目前为止，我还很好。

如果以上的话正好是你问题的答案，再加上以下这句：

多谢你的关心。

:)

我笑得出来，表示生活虽然没有多姿多彩，但只要平淡没有低落就已经感激了。

月经来了呵呵，可是这个月确没有情绪上的折磨，应该算是因为忙着打工学业两头跑，所以没有剩余的时间胡思乱想。yeah!

加上++不久前和位朋友聊了天说了些话，所以感觉还挺不错。心情些许愉悦。工作上的一些琐事，有人同我分忧，多谢。

加上++今天我走进supermarket才发觉我好像很久没有shop for food了。今天还纯粹只是为了要买些健康的水果补补营养。而且也不能大买特买。 “被迫”省钱。(as is buying perishable items) 哇！how could this be? 说省钱还有得惊讶。*rolls eyes*

自从打了工以后，伙食上有了供应。反正只要有做一轮班，lunch shift or dinner shift, 就会包我一餐。即使打完工了已晚，还是有得打包，且通常我都特意留做下一餐的伙食，所以有时上学的lunchbox都有着落。这样一来，我都发现好久没有自己煮爱吃想吃的东西了。不止这样，同样代表我伙食上同样省了不少呢！想着想着，我都好庆幸能打得到供吃的工作。有钱滚滚来，又有供食物。生活你说好不好？即使无可否认打工学业兼顾固然累得心力交瘁，但还是得说是乐得都没时间去理其他的。

daddy just broke the news to me that my 1 jan ticket couldn't be changed to a later date as it was a promotion ticket. so the ticket will have to be unfortunately voided, the points wasted and the airport tax that was already paid for forfeited.

so now he said that if i do not plan to go back again in may and until i graduated, i can stay on and work my ass off as i wish now. (he didn't at all sounded sarcastic as you may have interpreted from the way i write it. please do not misunderstand.)

haiz~ 还是世事难料，船到桥头还是自动会直。不知道是老天故意的安排还是什么，还好那时没有跟老爸正面冲突，现在我配合得到他，我也同样能如愿以偿。phew~ 放心了。

2009-11-13T23:40:00.011+11:00

我的工钱翻本啦！whee!!! my record is starting to show positive figures instead of negative le la! yeah yeah yeah! saving time starts from now!! please sponsor me a piggy bank for my next xmas present maybe? hohoho~
can i have a nice looking one or a pretty one please? hahaha....

well besides having a job or two is making me so busily happy, the issue about going back home end of this term is not.

it so happen like this. i had already booked to return after the 31st countdown, which is catching a flight on 1 jan. (i was intending for a big crazy party but i wasn't intending to expect to board a plane after a sleepless night before perhaps? i wasn't the one booking the ticket so i can't object to the date already fixed.)

however, daddy wanna go for a holiday during his clear-leave period in dec. his leaves had to be cleared by end of this year or else it will be forfeited.

so there's the contradiction la...

sigh~ dont understand why this year he had to insist on going for a holiday. in the past, he had never thought holidays are big deal. when he always say holiday holiday but in the end did not happen, i was always the most spoilt brat to kick a fuss over it because he went back on his words. nowadays, he is probably retiring into his half-retired mode i guess?

then this year, i really still dont understand. even mum thought if it had to be so troublesome for myself as well, then holidays can always be postponed so that we can even more look forward to it after my entire course of study next year as well as my bro's O'level.

so then they had already booked to head to TAIWAN!! on 21st, which means now i had to reach back b4 21st.

so my already confirmed 1 jan ticket was to bring forward and obviously, as dec period is peak season due to close to festive season and blah blah blah, i had to be held on waitlist which i highly believe chances of getting a seat b4 21st are slim.

then daddy suggested booking an extra round of ticket to fly base from syd-sg-syd. and the supposedly 1jan will then be postponed to a later date next year, which technically speaking, until my next term break in may next year.

er... i wasn't actually planning to return home next short term break in may. it will be my last sch break and i had wanted to go travelling again during the 3-weeks. what's more now i got some income already. i have hope of earning myself a trip using my OWN money, so all the more i'm so looking forward to it cos dont forget i'm still missing cairns and it's unlikely i can make it this coming term break because i just started working. i won't be able to save enough till then. and i'm still holding on to a bonus trip (if possible) to central australia into the desert region that side. ayers rock! google it. it's really a must-go in australia.

so i hesitated on the webcam because i didn't know how to break to him so not to disappoint him in the wrong manner. but he could have guessed when i hesitated already.

then he asked if i were to book the extra round of ticket for next month, when do i want to return back to sydney. i told him i plan to return mid-jan because i wanted to chiong some vacation work as i wouldn't be able to spend CNY in feb anyway, there's little point for me to stay that long at home, what's more i finally just found new jobs here. i have something to provide me energy. :)

another round of silence on the other side again. ok that sucks ok. that really sucks ok. even mum looks awkward on the other side as i can see through the webcam. i can sense there's some tension building up even though dad wasn't sitting in front of the webcam. he kept packing his stuff and as his daughter who was bred by him, i can sense he's trying to keep his cool. :P

i guess he probably might have thought to himself “早知道就希望你不要一下子找到工作，一找又来多过一个，现在我的女儿都心里没有家了。”hahahahah.... (ok i'm always rich in my imagination but i guess my sister may also couldn't agree further that such thought can really exist in his mind.)

sigh~ i'm equally stuck in a dilemma as well ah! because...

1. i had already intended to spend xmas and countdown here since last dec holiday. because everytime we saw the end of the 10pm news on tv that broadcasted fireworks at the sydney harbour bridge, it always looks so magnificent! since i was fortunate enough to be here, i really will like to see it for myself and wished to spend it with different groups of friend here.
2. because of that, i had already "booked" my friends who will be staying on in sydney. i had already picture that we will have several days of crazy home party at different people's place. i was so looking forward to inviting them to mine! my cosy nest in beautiful manly. i was the one who quickly "booked" them because i feared they will be booked and i really fear spending the festive with no one. if so, i rather go home. now it seems like i had break the deal, i really can't imagine how i will be dealt with. hahaha....
3. now because of a taiwan trip, i had to go home earlier. although it's as exciting that i get to spend xmas in a new place, which is what attracts me more, in the end my countdown will still be spent in sg! it's not that i hate spending countdown in sg. but if i were to be in sg, i probably wouldn't spend it at all like i hadn't done so for few years already. not that i hiam nobody to spend it with me, but countdown in sg is nothing new anymore isn't it?
4. having to postpone my 1jan ticket to a later date means i have to fly back again within few months next year. sigh~ if i still hadn't have a job, then i will be so dying to go back. ok, partly because now i've got enough to keep me occupied with time, going home seems redundant now and only spend money everytime isn't that attractive to me. (actually hasn't been attractive to me at all anyway, everytime the thought of spending the allowance of hard-earned money by daddy when back home is always making me so guilt-striken.)

after some moments of awkwardness, when daddy wasn't in the room, mum approached with this question: "so do you want to go taiwan with us or not? if you dont feel like it, we can still go back to the agent and cancel your place. at most forfeit some money than having to spend few more thousands on extra air tickets and then you also not that willing to want to come back next may."

sigh sigh sigh!!! when she said those words, it got me even more stuck in the double dilemma. of course i wanna go for a holiday with the family. it's been years! why should i miss the chance? yet so many trouble to face. and then now the mention of having to forfeit my tour booking just because i am not that really excited and looking forward to willing to accommodate or sacrifies some things here.... it's the same thing that money still goes to waste one way or another.... seriously~

what should i do so as not to turn out to be the main culprit of all the problems?

sigh~ during the whole time, it reminds me of the opportunity cost in economics. hahahah~ ok i'm economics-addicted.

please help me analyse the opportunity cost and reason out the best solution to all the problems man!

guess i'm the main problem of the whole problem. :'(

怎么办啦！我好像变成了任性女了啦！平时已经显得那么任性了，现在这样，我好怕我的人缘会直线下降man!!

i'm starting to hate myself. :(

2009-11-06T23:13:00.001+11:00

i've received my first pay! whoppeee!! :)

great sense of achievement. :)

2009-10-31T23:48:00.013+11:00

this wk's been a crazy wk.

BECAUSE I FINALLY FOUND A JOB LA! yeah!!!

not at a hotel though. it's at a malaysian restaurant selling curries and roti pratas.

curries and roti pratas in sydney?! yes! that's why i'm there. i'm so glad i got in to work at a place that makes me feel rather homely even before i started working there.. (before starting to work there, i used to like to visit to have curries, martabuk and nasi lemak!)

:) that's in the city btw. so it's an hour journey given that i need to take ferry and bus from home. :O

just when i was happily newly employed, i received another call suddenly one day from another restaurant.

i had applied for the latter restaurant earlier than the malaysian one. that time i was told to wait for trial but i never receive response back. so i thought it's gone because when i tried calling back to follow up, i couldn't reach anyone at all for a few days sia! call the interviewer's mobile he NEVER returned my missed calls. i rang up to the restaurant itself, several times either the interviewer aka supervisor is not around and then still never return my call. this kind of ignorance in service is already very annoying.

when i finally reached him after like DAYS, he simply said he will get back to me again. (usually in such cases, most ppl would have said 80% is merely fogging me isn't it?) so i kindaf got discouraged and gave up hoping for it after the phonecall.

then one day, i received call from them suddenly, like more than 10 days AFTER that phonecall, to be told to go for a trial which happened to be one day after my malaysian restaurant's trial.

aahhhhHH!!! 不知道是否应该高兴。

so now i'm juggling between 2 jobs! wohooo!!! i'm so happily keeping myself so so occupied. so so happily!!

however, i guess i'm just only juggling between 2 temporary. i may work a while to try which one i better prefer. because i can tell both manager like me pretty well. (of course~ who am i~ heez....)

but currently, a bit shit. i have classes 4 days a week. i had work another 4 days during the week too. 真是要命。and the supervisor who called me up after i found my first job was pretty non-negotiatable to my available hours. shit him man~ i dont really like him. we almost had an arguement today man...

he was like "look, we hire you because you told us you can work these days. now you're telling me you cant work so many days."

i was almost on the verge of telling him "look, if you cant agree to that, i can always quit. up to you. anyway i already found a job JUST BEFORE you finally decided on me. and i'm a student anyway, my priority is not to stick behind yr bum man... at least i needed some free days to work on my sch work hello~ otherwise, i can jolly well not continue."

@#$@#^&&^**^%$#%

since i'm not their priority in the first place before they finally decided to call me up, i am actually conscious that, sub-consciously they are not my priority as well. i am just starting out to work with them for a while to earn a little more extras to earn back on the pants and shoes i eagerly bought to prepare for work with them (not the malaysian one). cost me quite a bit man! at least cover back the expenses then i'm just waiting to leave them man... make me wait... then work me like i owe them like that.

:P

heez... 我现在不是在摆架子。我只是负气不服他们差点不要我。(i know too that some may say "then why bother crawling back to work with them after you have already found one" but i guess half my mentality is to 'revenge' on them and suck some money out from them for a while first) 也许就是前几个都做不下去，所以才终于轮到我吧～ (well, you could have guessed why they cant last with a supervisor like that, even kylie almost quit but in the end she got transferred to another branch nearer to home.) 一轮到我他们好像挺赚到吧，马上就肯定我，现在还想绑住我排到我一天都不剩。害我next week都不知道怎么去malaysian的那家的呢。

可惜supervisor不太善解人意，休想我忠心于他们呢。:P

but, as i've just started out at the malaysian one, i'm still uncomfortable as to how well i may blend in with them. after all, most of them working there are malaysians. only very little (less than 5) singaporeans and they're working in the kitchen, not waiting on the floor. so... i'm still...

anyway it's just starting only... so far done 1 day with them only, so i should accept that i still cant tell whether i'll fully enjoy working as i'm still in the learning process at this stage. at least the malaysian manager is much nicer, friendlier and more approachable. i like him personally. easy to talk with.

+pay rate! yippee!!! although i suppose both should be the same rate. still, you could have guess which one i'm currently more interested with. just that now i'm still not getting much shift from them so i'm working with the shitter supervisor during the other days.

but i guess most likely, the pay rate wouldn't affect my ultimate choice. i guess i'll still choose to work at a happier place with lower pay than to keep having problems with my shifts working at another even if they pay better. still! everything is still too early to judge. who knows, i may eventually still not be able to fit into the environment that i thought i may be able to easily feel comfortable at? and then even if they pay well or what, i may ended up deciding to stay with the problematic scheduling place because i may not feel that homely after all?

however i dont think i may have a big issue about not being able to blend in well ba...

and and AND u know what u know what?! the malaysian restaurant, 70% of the staff are males! with the front staff who are mostly young guys around my age or so, students ma~ older or younger doesn't really matter. my point is: so many eye-candies whilst working! hahaha... can you imagine how fortunate it's like when working there? like i told cindy: "you cant imagine i couldn't bring the angle of the 2 ends of my lips down during my first day. hahaha! i'm so trying to hold my (flowery) excitement down while working! i had to tilt my lips to one side some of the times to try to hide my wide grin but deep inside me, my heart was already so happily skipping around." hahaha! cindy thought my description is a little over exaggerated.

until just yesterday, cindy told me she saw a guy wearing the shirt with the restaurant logo i'm working at. then she realise what i meant, couldn't agree more too, felt as happy for me and a lil envious that i'm really fortunate to be able to work at that place (with many yandaos as i described). she saw 1 on a random street only she can imagine how it's like with couple more. so can you imagine?! hohoho~ so that's one more reason or so-call opportunity cost to consider even if i were to give up on that job. hahaha! so that malaysian restaurant has double the advantage over the other. :D

the other workplace? mainly indian peoples and a more serious working environment ba... a more individualistic environment ba i should say. however! the location is.... *faintz* on an upper storey... with a balcony area directly facing a beautiful beach. so everytime while i was working, i get to feel like the white waves are accompanying me too. that's a really relaxing feeling. though i've so far been allocated the balcony area which is the furthest from the kitchen, ie most inconvenient section. i dont mind at all! hahahaha.... how contradicting eh? :D

替我高兴吧！

guess i have to start weighing the pros and cons of both places soon and determine the opportunity costs for both until i can no longer cope with 2 at the same time. talking economics here eh~

now i wanna earn many many money and start saving many many money because i wanna save up to go for my cairns trip! 凯恩斯！等我啦！我又要来啦！:)

oh ya! another really exciting thing about those are.... i am entitled to a meal for every shift i do at the asian cuisine restaurant. so whenever i like, i can always take home a meal on the menu with a choice of bottled drink too. well, i can't possibly kill myself drinking soft drinks everyday. so now i'm taking them anyway and stocking them up at home, next time i dont havta buy soft drinks le la... and those takeaways, can sometimes be my next few meals. imagine i'm working almost daily during the later part of the week and the wkends. muahaha~ i haven cooked for a while~ i haven been to the groceries for food for a while~ my food expenses will be saved quite substantially man~ so that's the few good things working there, despite a pretty problematic supervisor.

and then.... at the malaysian one, after lunch shift, kitchen will normally prepare food for staff as well... sometimes they cook food out of the menu and man... though i've only worked once so far, the food they cooked was really delicious! zi char kind of food! yummys! i kindaf miss zi char food whilst here!

even if they dont prepare food, we can also help ourselves to the big pots of different kinds of curries after work. so.... so long as i get to work, my meals will be provided for. although i cant takeaway for this restaurant, but as long as i sometimes can fulfil my cravings for curries and some south-east asian food (teh tarik, chendol, ice kacang, etc), i'm easily contented eh? heeez...

as well as if i go dine in with my friends next time, i can have 20% discount. isn't that really good?! i have been telling eugene i wanna introduce him this restaurant which serves some 'jia xiang cai', until now that i've already successfully applied to work there, i still have not brought him there to eat. now i think that i'll frequently get to eat those food, i doubt there's still much chance i will bring him there to eat. so i'm influencing jeff to come visit me at work one day, by telling him to come try out 'singaporean flavoured' food, then eugene can get to enjoy tgt. hohoho~

hohoho! can you tell i'm so so excited? i'm really happy. because it meant that my attention will no more be on nothing and then always bugging busy friends. i still get to go out and now when i go out, it's for a meaningful purpose because i'm earning something instead of always going out to spend. woopey!

2009-10-21T20:58:00.004+11:00

as i was on my way home on the bus, i passed a row of trees and realised that flowers have blossomed once more.

so after working out in the gym, i took the long way and jogged to where i saw the beautiful trees earlier.

it's spring! 花都开好了！:)

i have been consistently keeping myself fit and pretty.

do i look better than round since the last time you saw me? i'm working hard WORKING HARD! :) 你们也加油哦！

2009-10-19T21:58:00.005+11:00

the night noodle market, in accordance with the sydney international food festival

一句话：无语。

被人放鸽子。

although i still went to the site, i had no more mood to enjoy the food (alone). just to go and have a look at how it is like and to take photos to show i've still 'been there' but i didn't enjoy.

really pretty dissatisfied that i walked all the way back to where i was suppose to take the ferry back home after that instead of taking bus to the harbour. i didn't even feel like taking bus and going home quickly. afterall i have nothing else but time. :S i just thought walking, walking and non stop walking will probably make me feel better when time passed like that. 超无聊的嘛。

满肚子一股闷气。因为无谓所以没有道理发泄，只能忍气吞声。

一度想干脆回家自己煮晚餐吃就好。一度不想吃了，干脆回到家就睡大觉。反正不开心，睡一觉后或许就好多了。最后。。。还是回家吃了。因为肚子还是饿了。

on a brighter note: makes me save some money then. cos i din get to indulge in those overly-priced, under-portioned food.

depends which perceptive you decided to look it from. of course, xian never likes her life peaceful. :S

发愤图强！化悲愤为力量！要不然就奋力地温书！可是我是读了几天的书了嘛，想找点活动娱乐自己一下，都没有个好伴！

睡觉！

2009-10-19T01:28:00.006+11:00

today, or rather, last night, i went to sugarhit at hilton hotel.

wo~
(ok i think the main point might be highlighted on the wrong word for most haha...)

sugarhit is one of the few attractions for Sydney's International Food Festival where several hotels carry out different f&b packages in accordance to the festival. sugarhit serves a course of dessert along with a dessert wine or hennessy cognac. (are they the same things anyway?) of course there's many others such as lunch and dinner courses. but obviously much more costly.

so several girls and i went to enjoy a small little dessert for a set price of $20 and indulge in a little luxury on a sunday night.

more will follow when i get the photos.
but to be mentally prepared: the photos aren't really too nicely taken (sadly) because the lightings in the restaurant is really dim. :S

tmr, or rather, later today, i will be going to explore a night noodle market in another place within the city which is also opened due to the food festival happening throughout the whole of october. food food and more food!!! wohoo!! but overly-priced food i must say. (-_-''')

it's 1.33am now btw so that's why my 'last night', 'today', 'tmr' and 'later' may cause some confusion. :D

2009-10-11T19:30:00.004+11:00

after months of finding a job.

我终于找到啦！好开心的。多托kylie的福。

although is not in any hotel which could be better for my resume in the future. but forget it la... at least some income is better than none.

actually what's more exciting is that, next time i have more stuff to keep myself occupied instead of ringing people up and most are always busy at work. i have lesser time to coop in my own world at home too and i hope i will be able to cope more effectively under pressure. lesser time to think of those 有的没的 as well.

oh i'm working as a waitress at a casual dining place btw. no hotel but any other bistro will do la.

haiz... 我的心情一时高一时低。

不好意思啦~

2009-10-11T04:13:00.016+11:00

today, or rather... last night, i hung out.

this should be nothing fascinating. it's however indeed fascinating because i actually looked forward to the hang-out day. it's been (i consider) long since i last went out of home, apart from going to school.

i actually told my parents that i'll be going out like for why?

in sg, i often had to be demanded to go home.
here, dad is often asking me to go out.

that's the difference between here and home.

i went out. yet this time, i felt more insecured instead when i got to meet The ex-sch Friends. i'm not happy after the latest meet-up. in fact, i felt that perhaps i shouldn't have even asked them out.

why?

because i felt the people here are really the move-on kind of people (as how wanzhen describes these type of people).

throughout most of the dinner, i was almost too quiet. ok, i'm considered quiet enough already. to be quieter, uneasiness started falling in. perhaps they may not feel as sensitive as this girl here. but when i felt weird sitting tgt with the friends that we used to be pretty close and nonsensical tgt before when we were schooling tgt, i find the whole dinner pretty awkward. alright, they may be well entertained with each other but when i had difficulty focusing into the conversations along with them. i know they are conscious that i may look bored.

the jokes they crack, i no longer find it funny to me. the nonsense they say, i find it not nonsense enough. yet i had no ability to make it any better. i have no jokes to share too.

suddenly this reminds me of our most memorable ktv party when we were still in our first year. it was widely declared to be the most fun night by almost all. not many drunks but it was still high enough to feel fun. the night was record-breaking according to me by far. we've had a crazy group with friends altogether from vietnam, china, hongkong, indonesia to singapore. understand the songs sang or not is not the priority then, everyone is just having fun altogether.

today, life's never the same. although everyone were saying how much they missed the fun of that night. i knew that memory could not be repeated anymore. as saying goes: good stuff don't last.

what's more, last night i just caught up with 2 friends tgt with jeff and eugene. or is it too small a group of 5 that it's a little weird to make up a 'market'. i dont think so.

although few others couldn't make it or were simply not interested to have dinner tgt. i knew we've distant anyway. i knew because women has sixth sense. so as to say, my feelings say so.

what makes it worse actually? it was the more bizarre feeling i felt onto jeff. i hadn't felt it that bad towards the 2 other friends whom i hadn't seen every once in a while. i was even more upset it came from a friend whom i use to call close and we still catch each other in the school now.

jeff was one of the 2 male friends xian first made when i first got into the college, along with ray. as a result, very sentimental xian highly regard them 2 as 2 of my most special mate i've known in sydney. it was very gifted that i use to pledge (inside myself) that they shall one day be on my wedding guest list. i will like to invite them to singapore to my wedding if our friendship can still last until then. to the extent until i got married, such an out-of-point idea. but that's how long i wish our friendship could hopefully last. it was really so gifted to xian simply because they had helped me through the early stages of adaptation. so as to say, i have sort of regarded them as my 两大恩人。regardless of what may happen, xian “上刀山下油海” will never forget their kindness. i was never prepared to lose them in any way.

now, i was feeling more and more insecure, esp towards jeff. we used to talk very carefreely. now... i dont feel that like it used to. what's more upsetting is that, he kept ranting these days that he is lacking a gf or someone whom he wants to turn to. 我们怎么了？我就不能聊吗？没女朋友暂时陪我聊不一样了吗？反正我也一样闲着爱说话的嘛。

last time, i used to feel very comfortable hanging out with him. now.... our friendship seems to be on the rocks and i'm pretty afraid. i'm learning to come to terms that we've indeed distant a fair bit, since... almost a year ago. but i'm not yet prepared to learn to forget him when he leaves to go back home in china for good, which will be pretty soon as he is leaving after this year. i just dont know how we can continue to keep in contact after that. he ain't a cyberboy.

well anyway, back to my hang out night. ray was going on to find his other friends after our dinner. i so wanna hang out and not go home 'so early' on a saturday night as well. but...

jeff said he don't hang out till late in china. he always reaches home by midnight.
he said he is already being very 'naughty' here for occasionally hanging out late.

i said i am often pretty 'naughty' in singapore. i always had to be screamed to go home.
i said i can't hang out till late here. i always had to follow to go home by midnight. (because otherwise i get no lift back from the city)

u know?
studies have indicated that laughing heartily for at least 10 minutes daily helps to lose (some) weight. no wonder it's even harder to slim down here.

i had been in my room in my 'own world' for the past 2 weekends. i had been concerned to go out and get a life. i went out but it wasn't the one that could make me happy. instead...

i know perhaps sometimes i expected some things which don't turn out to be what i had expected. i had been told and am learning to not take it too hard. i am learning to keep expectation (inevitable to xian) to its minimum. now i'm just trying to swallow it down. but deep down, i'm genuinely unhappy because i am really bored.

sometimes i find that i derive more pleasure and fun facing my serious and lifeless schoolwork. that's why i decided to work on some online quizzes until such time. couldn't sleep not because of i'm down. i think assignments or having something to do at least makes me feel better? i'm indulging in my own world for knowledge then.

2009-10-10T00:44:00.004+11:00

i'm hungry!! shit!

ever since i've expanded quite a bit (in size), i've restricted myself from:
- eating after 8pm.
- buying potota chips and other deadly snacks which i consumed pretty heavily the last term and at very very undesirable times. (eating them ignorantly at 11pm! an instant killer!)

but i'm really hungry now! had an early dinner at burger king so that's why. a regular-sized meal only that's why.

i should have gone to sleep so that the hunger pangs won't be remembered. but i wanted do some homework before sleep. so i reckon i probably wont be sleeping soon.

i went to grab bread le! i really can't take it. i'm gonna cry the next minute if tolerated further!

ok.... munching in the wee hours, once in a while.
i'm so happy now! my stomach is having what it is wanting.

sadly, bread can make you fat. and i'm just having it, with peanut butter some more! omg! i just couldn't stand ill-treating myself until having plain-o-bread.

haiz... i shall close an eye and just survive tonight.

2009-10-09T22:11:00.013+11:00

it is suppose to be spring going on to summer soon..

but winter still cant bear to leave. it's october already leh! i've long kept most of my winterwear since i last came back. still....

sometimes it's hot as if it's almost post-spring, yet most of the other times, winter decides to make a turnback. argh! enough of winter! i'm expecting summer now!

News:
The winds have eased but Sydneysiders ought to keep their coats on this weekend, with forecasters predicting cool conditions to continue until early next week.

Gusts of wind up to 90km/h (gasps!) in Sydney yesterday damaged roofs and brought trees down on power lines, keeping emergency crews busy. The State Emergency Service received more than 100 calls for help from Sydneysiders.

Temperatures were expected to peak at 17 degrees today and 19 tomorrow, with showers on both days.

"On Sunday there's a high pressure ridge coming over us bringing fine weather but there's still cool air [and temperatures will peak in the low 20s] ," Mr Webb said.

Sydneysiders keen for warmer weather would have to wait until at least Monday, expected to be fine and 24 degrees, Mr Webb said.

But the pleasant weather could be short-lived again, with the current to-and-fro between spring and wintry conditions likely to continue for a number of weeks.

"October and November are transition months. It's not usually until December that we become more settled into a summer pattern."

(extracted from smh.com.au)

News from Manly: (the area where i live, a little town away from the main city)

Wild weather caused havoc on the peninsula, with gale force winds and rough seas disrupting transport services and forcing the closure of most of Sydney's beaches yesterday.
(wind big until they call it gale! gale = very strong wind. i say, very very very strong wind ah!)

Manly ferry services were also suspended due to the high winds and seas. (high winds and seas oh... high?)

The services would not resume until conditions became calmer, with free shuttle buses to and from Manly and Circular Quay throughout the day.

"The surge against the wharf is making it difficult for the ferries to berth."

Swells reaches two metres and up to three metres, with some surfers taking up the waves.

"This type of weather is not completely abnormal (for this time of year)."

"Of course, (these conditions) are unseasonal for what we normally expect during spring."

Mr Fisher said the forecast is looking good heading into the weekend. "What we're experiencing is a deepening trough over the Tasman, which is what is bringing those cold southerly winds and cloud cover over much of the mid north coast."

"Toward Saturday and Sunday though, (this extreme weather) should ease."

Weather station temperatures reached a chilly 15.2 deg just after 2pm with gusts of 69km/h recorded in the afternoon.

Wind and Wild seas at Mona Vale keep the body boarders Jake Parker from Newport and Adam Bruce from Mona Vale from heading out.

another photo to show how strong the wind was.

Crazy waves and wild weather at Dee Why Pool. (a pool just right beside the vast sea)

Wild wind weather in Manly.

A boat was washed ashore.

yes! that's how severe the wind was yesterday. and very chilly too! i was waiting for the bus to school and standing in the open was quite a torture! i was just letting the wind mess my hair for as much as it likes until i finally got into the vehicle to tidy it again. it was so annoying lo... you have to stand firm as well. otherwise, a person as heavy as me can also lose its balance de man...

it was so new to me. never met this strong wind this strong before. i was so on the verge of wanting to go to the beach to see the waves. it must really be a sight! too bad i din reach the beach in the end. so no live photos. because i was kindaf scared in case of tsunami. heez....

after the dust, now the wind, and the (irritating) rain (with the wind! an umbrella= no umbrella). what's next?

today's community paper's headline:

Summer set to be a scorcher and news on how to start equipping your property well to counterfight the expected bushfire. :O

australia is just too interesting le la! singapore only has hot hot and HOTTER! :D

2009-10-07T20:37:00.005+11:00

昨天...

我... 有点莫名其妙地发了一点小脾气... ok. 就说是莫名其妙地发了无聊的(有点不小）气。
(-_-''')

我乖乖地早睡了。因为上了几天早上八点的课，我还是不能适应。到了晚上还是累到~！

我很贤惠地煮了一锅lemongrass drink for pleasure drinking. 我还真厉害！

我找了一些朋友这个周末去消遣消遣一下。当然啦，总不能老窝在家里嘛。

做了好几些事情，但因为心情不爽所以也不是很想一一叙述。我老了。懒得分享了。i know this is really not good. but summarising them within 1 line, doesn't it makes reading easier now? long-winded xian has quietened down quite a bit?

i'll be fine. i'll learn to get over with it. i really wish i could share the happy things and unhappy things with everyone like i used to. but...

2009-10-04T19:13:00.002+11:00

(my fav) roast duck from wenhaw. broiled soup from miko. a sumptuous dinner!

当然！还不是娴也常常分享好康换来的。;) 礼尚往来，有来才有往嘛。当然！我由始都没要求任何回报，只是纯粹爱分享。所以换来的，当然就是bonus啦！

bonus的一餐！好吃好吃！爱吃的娴，什么都好吃！:)

2009-10-03T23:04:00.005+10:00

JONATHAN TAN added me on facebook!!

brought back memories when he used to be xian's first eye-candy... that makes me kindaf flattered already actually... to think that he actually still know of my existence?

perhaps he just conveniently added everyone else in his address book. but how about allowing me to keep the fantasy of the earlier? :)

confirm immediately man!! :D

2009-10-01T22:38:00.011+10:00

This is from my sis:

You have always been the greatest company, always bringing joy to us.

You made our dinner always so enjoyable, always disturbing my dad when we are eating, we will miss those times.

You have always been so scared of the thunder and rain, I hope there won't be any thunder and rain to scare you, where ever you are now.

You love to sit and hide behind this pot of plant whenever you are in this cage. I hope you'll find your favourite spot in your place.

You have always loved to drink lotsa water. Remember to eat and drink! Bring all your fats back!

You've always been sooo good to the rest of the dogs even when you are being bullied by them. You are a great brother to them. I know they will miss you too.

I know you don't like to be kissed. But I don't care. I love you.
There are too many pictures of you I'll just end up flooding this whole blogpost. I shall always keep them with me like you will always be in my heart. You are the very first dog I ever had. I remember you were brought here by grandpa. You were so scared then, tail all drooped so low. Saw you started growing bigger and bigger as years past, from black mouth to white.
Still remember how happy and excited you are when you saw us eating your favourite fruit - durian. Ever so happy when there's food around. Remember you always running up the stairs to find company when it's raining. And always started shouting when dad's back from work, so we could let you out and play.
You are so good-natured. Even when you being bullied by the other dogs, you never threw your temper hard. I hope you are now at a place peaceful, where there are things you like, and nothing to scare and bully you. You will always be missed by all of us. I'm sorry we were not by your side when you left, I know you are scared being alone in a strange place. I know you fought hard, seeing you pushing yourself to keep awake. I saw many times that you were going to drift away into deep sleep, but I kept waking you up. I'm sorry. Now rest well, and I hope you'll have a better life in your next life.
Now, I don't really believe in this kind of things, BUT if you were ever being reincarnated into a dog again, I hope you'll find a very very very good owner who'll love you as much as we do. Or even better, come back to us. But I wish you would be a succesful person in your next life, where you'll not face problems and have a very smooth-sailing life.
You will be missed. I love you.
--Yi Ying & Family

very well written.

Now xian's turn:

my darling darling,

I'm really sad. Sad because i had silently wished that I could still see you after 3 months. But you couldn't even pull through 3 weeks. I should have exchanged promises with you because I knew you won't try to break the promise. But I also thought that I shouldn't make that promise with you because if it's really tough for you, we also want you to be happier.

I'm sad because you must be a really nice boy. You dont want us to feel painful for you seeing you suffer. Perhaps that 3 months more for my sake seems too long for you, I didn't expect it is that bad. Sad because the doctor says probably another more year for you. But didn't know your countdown has been set to 100 days or so instead of 300+, that's a little too few le ba. I'm sad because you probably decided to leave us earlier so that we could recover and not suffer along with you. Why must you always be such a good boy even until your last?

I'm sad because you were a really good boy. I guess you probably dont want us to see you suffer. So you chose to suffer alone, survive until we weren't around and took your last breath without us around, but in a foreign and frightening place ba. I'm sad because the thought of you gasping for air, intimidated and even wishing you weren't locked in that bloody clinic cage when you were about to leave the world pinches me even more. I'm sorry on behalf of the family for always neglecting you, even when it comes to the last few moments of your life.

I'm sad because you must really be a good boy. You probably wouldn't like us to spend more sustaining your aging body, so you chose to leave us earlier. But I'm not happy about that. This time round, you made the decision for us. But if that could make you better, we will recover.

I'm sad because we must be partially guilty of providing you until you were this fat chubby chub. If we had been more strict with your appetite, then you won't have to suffer the heart pain. The lack for breath must be really torturous. I'm sorry you were happy having whatever you had wanted, but in the end, you had to suffer. Will you blame us for sort of shortening your life by pampering you during your younger days? I think you still wont, because you were always that really good boy. This made me even sadder.

I'm sad because you had always been the best boy amongst them. You were the poorest fella who was the eldest but always the most defendless. Yet you were a better example than me in giving in to the younger ones. You were really a good boy.

I'm sad because I wonder where do dogs go in the afterlife, I'm really worried that you wouldn't know how without us. But I hope it'll be a nice place where the others will no longer bully you. You were timid but you will be the bravest boy without us ok?

I'm sad because when I heard that you were really gone, I could have cried immediately. But sadly, I forgot how to cry. 那种欲哭无泪的感觉最难受。我又不能不哭，因为那真的很麻木。I was more down when I could even sleep easily that night although the next morning, I felt as though half my soul were not with me and my whole body was aching which couldn't be explained. I didn't feel like going to school. I really didn't feel like putting up a bright front in front of others when I was to be mourning over you. But all the more I shouldn't cope at home, because that will just keep reminding me of you and my helplessness here.
I am here alone too. I couldn't cry out heartily. Darling do you know that's most torturous? Is it because I was too far away that I couldn't feel that really strong sense of loss? or is it because I am already mentally prepared to hear that anytime, except really... it's really too soon.

I'm sad. I like to pay my last respect to you. But I dont know how to. I wanted to find a temple so at least I could perhaps feel better praying for you. But no nearest temple unless few hours drive away. 你叫我怎么办？你教我该怎么样可以让你知道我在这里旁徨无助又多么的想念你。我连最后都见不到了。下次时，你已化为灰烬了。

I'm sad because you had to make me backspace my writings and change them to past tense several times. I've still not adjusted to that.

I know I shouldn't blame you further though I still think 7 yrs is too fast for you. Why are you destined to be so 'pai mia'? Maybe you deem it's time you move on to a better life. We will respect that. You didn't allow us more time to continue showing our love for you. So we hope you won't regret your quick decision. You have fought hard. We will let you go. But we hope to see you again soon. Hopefully you return to us in a different manner, even if is just to tell us how you are coping without us.

2009-09-29T20:31:00.003+10:00

Daylight Savings
At 02.00hrs this Sunday 4 October the clocks will go forward one hour for the commencement of Daylight Savings. Please adjust your clocks accordingly.

not adjust your clock. but just letting all know that i'll be 3 hours ahead after that (instead of 2). :(

ya! sad la! next time if i pms then lagi harder to find people online to chat during my time. + with 3 of the days with 8am class. ....

:( 有时候真的挺担心我会难过日子。 :(:(:(

haiz~ sleep more ba!

2009-09-26T14:48:00.002+10:00

the wind is so annoying.

the WIND is soo.. annoying.

the wind is SO... annoying.

the wind is SO... ANNOYING.

THE WIND IS SOO... ANNOYING!!!

THE WIND IS SOO... ANNOYING!!!

烦死了啦！can't give me peace de!!

it WAS eerie... but now it's more annoying than scary! stop the woo-ing! rah!!

2009-09-26T01:24:00.004+10:00

Dust storm likely to hit Sydney
Sept 25, 2009, 6.38pm

Dust stirs up SA's north (*SA= south australia)
Sept 25, 2009, 7.12pm

Dust storm makes its way west
Sept 25, 2009, 8.00pm

Sydney may face second dust storm
Sept 25, 2009, 9.59pm

Dust storm heading towards Sydney
Sept 25, 2009, 11.25pm

wao~ how exciting!

but i believe obviously consequential occurrence won't be anywhere more severe than the first. 所谓类似余震吧。don't know how to say in english, but somehow it means something like this la.
i was told to try to shut the window. i certainly will this time. but can i still leave a 1cm mini gap for at least some air to breathe? i feel like with room door closed and windows tightly shut, psychologically i cant seem to breathe!

ooO! a really strong gust of wind just hit my window. is it here already?! muahaha! haiz~

anyway, another video found. this was taken by a little kid (i strongly suppose). i like his sweet little voice with that australian accent. ok, my main point to show this video is not elaborating further about the storm, is about how he narrates his filming. so cute~

another one taken by him showing the effects of the storm an hour later. muahahah! he's really speaking like a little pro reporter like that. my god~ that's aussie kids.
90km/s. muahahaha! so.. wao.. preetty good~ muahaha! the sickest dust storm that has been recorded in history. sickest? thickest? hahahaha! but anyway...

seriously... the blowing of the windS are so annoying! it sounds so scary. i think i had really better shut the window tight so i can have a peaceful sleep without the disturbance of the clanging window. still felt so suffocating with 1cm of air circulation. i think i might leave my door open then. else i also cant sleep in dead air room.

2009-09-25T10:04:00.003+10:00

spotted a quick comment on the papers today:

"I remember as a child the saying: 'Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky in the morning sailor's taking warning'. When I awoke yesterday morning and saw the blood-red sky. I immediately thought it's Armageddon. Just how bad can things get? I walked on to our back patio and found out: all the birds were flying backwards to keep the dust out of their eyes!"

alright... i'm still fascinated. even the birds here are also so fascinating haha... i was even picturing how that can be possible!

2009-09-24T22:10:00.002+10:00

big on the news today. :O

2009-09-24T00:06:00.004+10:00

new look! like it?

i'm so proud of myself! finally got my butts out and worked on it after like more than a year later of saying i'll modify it?

still me, me and more me. self-obssessed, narcissistic, self-centred, whatever you.

:) i certainly like it because it's a totally refreshing feel~ :)

2009-09-23T21:22:00.006+10:00

took this video because i was wondering why the wind is extremely strong today. i assumed it might be some kind of storm? well, as a singaporean, i still can't really tell if this is already considered a storm or just strong windy day. (wonder if you can hear the noisy banging of the window)

amused, i took this photo because i was surprised at the level of dirt when i got out of bed this morning. really wondered what happened~ still unknown to me at that point of time, i really couldn't figure out whether what happened around the house has got anything to do with what was happening outside. i was just annoyed because those near the window were really dirty which meant that i had to do some cleaning up.

NEWS TIME!

HAIL, thunder, dust storms, floods, bushfires, tornadoes, and even earthquakes.

Four seasons of bizarre and violent weather were yesterday packed into one day across the Australian continent.

And if that was not enough, the extreme conditions are expected to continue.

The weather bureau yesterday issued severe weather warnings in several states, with hail wreaking havoc in parts of NSW, dust storms blanketing Canberra and Broken Hill, and heavy storms in Adelaide flooding streets and knocking over trees.

Meanwhile, residents in Melbourne's southeastern suburbs last night reported two small earth tremors 14 seconds apart, at about 6:25pm. People in Narre Warren, Frankston, Berwick, Pakenham, Cockatoo and on the Mornington Peninsula flocked to the microblogging site Twitter to remark on the quakes.

GeoScience Australia said it had recorded magnitudes of 3.0 and 2.6 -- too small to cause any damage.

Elsewhere, a severe storm monitor in the mid-north of South Australia recorded a tornado, with the strong winds last night extending across western NSW and into the ACT, bringing with them thick dust.

"We have reports of visibility down to about 200m in some parts, which is like a thick fog," senior weather bureau forecaster Deryn Griffiths said.

"It is occurring right across NSW and into the ocean."

(extracted from theaustralian.news.com.au)

Dust storms that hit parts of NSW on Tuesday arrived in Sydney on Wednesday just before dawn, turning the sky to a deep orange.

A dust storm that has blanketed Sydney in an eerie red haze is the worst in at least 70 years, if not the history of the state, the Bureau of Meterology says.

The dust cloud covers almost the whole of NSW, after an extreme low pressure system moved across the state from central Australia and western NSW.

The dust caused commuter chaos, the cancellation of flights from Sydney Airport, the closure of the M5 tunnel and the suspension of Sydney ferries.

People with respiratory illnesses were told to stay indoors and health authorities advised people to avoid exercise until the dust cleared.

“An event like this is extremely rare,” Mr Hanstrum said. “It's one of the worst, if not the worst.”

The Bureau of Meteorology issued a severe weather warning for damaging winds in Sydney with a gale warning issued for Sydney closed waters.

Wild winds are lashing the Hunter region and gale force winds of up to 100km/h are expected to hit Sydney.

Sydney icons such as the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House took on a ghostly appearance.

Armed with his camera at Circular Quay, Manly resident Alec Wagstaff, who was forced to catch the bus to the city after the ferries cancelled, said he relished the chance to photograph the tourist attractions in a different light.

“I woke up and there was this unbelievable golden hue,” Mr Wagstaff said.

“It is really interesting light, it's going to be quite a challenge.”

“I haven't seen this since Adelaide 30 to 40 years ago.”

(extracted from theaustralian.news.com.au)

dust envelops Sydney's CBD. Photo: Jeremy Kerwin

a man is dwarfed by the dust covered sails of the Sydney Opera House as tourists and locals head to the cities icon to take photographs of the blanket of dust covering the city of Sydney from a dust storm. Photo: Kate Geraghty

Photo: Emma Storey

Photo : Kate Geraghty

Five minutes after the break of dawn. Photo: Stephen Pitt-Francis.
(this is really no photoshop!)

(Top) A shot of Neutral Bay on a normal day, and (bottom) during the dust storm. Photo: Lauren Jarrott.

Taking pictures in front of the Sydney Opera House during the dust storm.

A person taking pictures of the dust on his car during a dust storm.

Photo: Luke Johnston

(all photos and some captions with the courtesy from smh.com.au)

Next, some videos taken by people who managed to capture the rare scene! (while ms piggy coincidently decides to skip her 8am class and just simply... once again... missed the whole bizarre experience of the morning) (-_-'')

this included some narration by one of them who captured the scenes around his area. with some *cough cough*

this one probably has better narration as the girl sounds more ohmygod! most of the film takers were also coughing which showed how severe the dust storm was.

another interesting one because the fella was pretty funny.

woh man! such big stuff! one of the worst. worst in the history of Sydney or wherever. but i just simply missed it! i couldn't believe it! it just happened as close as outside the window and i just 好选不选偏偏选在这天翘课加睡过去！

ok what am i talking about? it's such a bad weather yet i find it a pity to skip classes? well, i am suppose to have 8am class however after attending 2 consecutive days of classes at 8am, i decided to skip today as it's still the first week anyway so there's nothing too impt i'll miss.

偏偏！

actually... i did set my alarm to wake up. and when i woke up i did see orange outside my window. but still in my drowsy state, i didn't think too much into what i saw. i didn't even give it a second thought why i saw orange. i probably thought i'm still half in dreamland? next second, i headed back to lalaland again.

the second time, i saw yellow. again, i dropped back to sleep after snoozing my alarm.

damn!

i only finally decided to get out of bed in the mid-morn because the window was just cracking and banging non stop and being in a rather antique place i live in, the banging window was so annoying until i really couldn't sleep further. i have been bearing with it for few hours more already. i've had enough! hahaha...

next is when i was puzzled why the window is so darn dirty when i went to shut the window dead tight to stop the banging.

the vanity basin in the toilet is also strangely dusty just over a night.

after school, my housemates and i were talking about what i missed. (-_-'')

cindy said she woke up and thought it's coming to the end of the world. double (-_-'')!!!! my 2 other housemates are simply too easily paranoid man! end of the world?! this thought probably wouldn't even flash past my mind lo! i was more than excited than paranoid if i were to really see it for myself (than to think that it could be the end of the world). so much for missing it again! :(

i'm saying "again!" because the last time i also missed a huge thunderstorm when i was in brisbane. it was a pretty big news the next day as well yet coincidently, as it happened to be my off-day and i was at home. i slept big way through!

everytime such events happened, i always happen to be happily in lalaland! wth! should i consider this lucky or what? i think if it really is the end of the world, i still wont know and be happily sleeping away? then i will wake up to find no beings left on earth and still couldn't figure out that the world has came to an end? seriously~

and oh ya! rewind a lil back to when i saw orange the first time i woke up.

i had frowned a lil at what i thought i saw. i did wonder what was that that i saw but i resisted thinking further. i had wanted get up to see but i was a little scared that i may be frightened by what i may see if i were to get that curious (i must have this thought as if i was still in dreamland, but apparently, i wasn't anymore at that time). + my body was reluctant to get up because all i want to think of is to fall back to sleep because if i were to get up, most probably i will decide to go for class le. but i HAVE DECIDED not to go de. so i care for nothing else, even if the sky is not the norm colour that god has provided for earth beings. I WENT BACK TO SLEEP! :O

sigh~ i wonder what's gonna happen next and i'm gonna miss it again.

2009-09-18T03:17:00.009+10:00

after 3 weeks of where i'm most comfortable, i'm now rather reluctant to head back.

because it's u guys who made up for me for the long lost moments i've missed out while i was away. you guys have pampered me to the max over the 3 weeks with some of your little time. now you made me worry that the contrast going back to another world will be even more tormenting. or rather, i think it may be, so it probably will be.

i dont know what may happen over the next couple of months. i'm going back to fight by myself once again.

in fact, i probably had or have not mentioned. the latest 3 months especially since june (since my girl returned) had been (at times) extremely torturous.

i had been (probably) lost.
i had (probably) been deperate?
i had been helpless.
i had been defenceless.
i was almost driven to corners.
i had never felt so much towards going home.
i had never realise that life had been so heavenly that 2 yrs ago, when some of the best moments which were created making new friends meeting new people.

i had gone so fearful that there were days i wish to face no one, i grumbled (secretly) at closed ones who weren't around when i most needed them, i turned to anyone who passed by me, i (almost) fell out with dear ones over nothing but just my piece of frustration due to.... nothing! sesame green bean NOTHING!

now, i felt much refreshed! really refreshed that i think i am having a clearer mind now. much a clearer mind now that one day i emailed mr fishy exclaiming excitedly

"Yo XXX!
i've something happy to share with you! i think i've kindaf straightened most of my thoughts while back at home, which makes me feel much.... erm... clearer-minded now. and i'm so so happy now that i think i'm not that afraid of you and will shun away from you in future..."

well, i've realised that all i'm in need there is just not a boyfriend or anything of similar sort. i'm in need of a companion over phone chats. i've realised that over there, it's when i most wish to chat over the phone that i found no one and due to hesitations over several (possibly) sensitive issues that i've distorted the fundamental stages of the pros of a friend.

so in short, i just need a friend la! a friend that i can bug onto when bored or i like to. a friend that could divide my stress and pressure when i wish to get distracted from terrible homeworks and assignments. a friend that could do some things with me like going to the gym or simply just chat nonsense with me over the phone.

if only HE could be a SHE....

i think i'm addicted to phone chatting. i'm glad i learnt to realise that finally. it's one of my vitamins in life.

the friend once said that he might consider being my best friend if i am willing to sell him my textbooks for free. oh thanks for the idea~ but that never shall cross my mind even if mentioned or hinted~ anyway at that time, i never thought i ever needed someone called a best friend because the max i will ask for (if any) is simply just a good and nice friend. but anyway...

current situation: jeff-out! xxx-in! well, i hope he's agreeable. i will seek permission.

gd night! rah!

2009-09-12T12:10:00.000+10:00

today my sis wore a shirt that reads

"WINNERS make things happen, LOSERS let things happen"

when i came upon this, it suddenly dawned upon me. i have been The Loser all the while. :(